New Study Technique: Don't

Okay, so the Christmas exams are coming up soon. Starting on the 15th. My god, this snuck up fast this year. I really can't believe that it's 3 weeks til Christmas. I need to get my act together. Soon!

So I'm pretty mucch dreading the exams. They're going to be extremely horrible this year. I'm not organised. Studying keeps being put off because I'm always too tired to do anything productive that I'll actually remember. Most days I veg out when I come home from school. And not just because of how lazy I am. Oh no no no. I am motivated. I will get through this. But I don't sleep. I hardly eat. I'm not interested in school and struggling to keep up with what we're doing anymore. It's too dull. Too repetitive. Too boring.

The teachers are all telling me different things. Some say I should be studying more. Some say less. Some say try new methods. Others say to stay with what I'm doing. I really have no idea who to listen to.

Then in the classes themselves. I'm distracted. I can't listen properly. I either have a pen and paper in my hand and I'm doodling or I'm trying to catch up on the homework that I hadn't heard about the night before or I'm just so tired after another night of no sleep that I can't concentrate. The other day I was in French class. I was doing everything I could to pay attention. And I just couldn't. I had heard everything the teacher said to me. I had even taken down some notes based on it. But nothing registered with me.

For he first time in my life I am really struggling with school.

And I don't understand why.

Was it TY? Did it really have such a detrimental effect on me? After a year of slacking off have I become a lazy slob who isn't motivated to do anything? Have I become complacent?

I don't think I have. I still have the same goals. I'm just mentally being effected worse. The looming Leaving Cert (even if it IS basically 2 years away) is constantly at the back of my mind, reminding me that my future will be decided for me.

Of course, I know my entire life and future isn't completely based on how I do in a few tests. The LC is bad enough, but then I'll be going through test after test, exam after exam, assignment after assignment in college.

Maybe I'm not as set on college as I thought I was. Maybe I'm not ready.

There are people all around me asking me what I want to do. And I know. I want to write. I want to be shut off from the world for days at a time and just write to my heart's content. Spend my days putting ideas, thoughts, ramblings-everything that pops into my head on paper. I would be so happy to spend my life like that.

But, of course, I can't.

No, life has way too many realities for me that I'm all too aware of. So many good writers never become successful because of their PR (and then there are pure CRAP writers like Stephenie Meyer and her vomit of a series of books) and I don't want to be out there. Despite my apparent confidence and outer shell I just want to shy away from the world. I want a family and a way to keep them happy healthy and safe. I want a career that will never bore me. I want a few close friends. And I want to be financially secure. That's it.

Is that alot?

So obviously I can't just hide away and write. So I guess I'll have to get a proper job.

But what?

All I know, really, is that I want to get a degree in drama and English Lit. That's it. I'll get that then go forward from there, I guess.

I have a good idea of what I want from life. And I'm horribly aware that I'm not experiencing any of it. I know I'm only 17 and I've plenty of time to worry and do whatever I want, but I'm becoming too used to being happy in my comfort zone.

I don't want that.

I don't want a life of worrying and sitting in front of a screen. I don't want to be constantly attatched to a phone. I know I am at the moment and I hate myself for it. If I develop these habits now how am I going to be able to break them when I'm older?

Death's been previlent on my mind alot lately. My dreams are constantly based on humanity's extinction or my own demise. It's disturbing and something that I know I will never be able to fully face. Or accept. I don't want to leave this world and just not be anymore. How could I be here one moment and then the next I'm not? I don't want to think about it.

Everytime I close my eyes I feel myself fading away...

Ha, who'd have thought this had started off as a blog post on how much I hate studying?

Random Mixture of Random Ramblings

I think that it's safe to say that alot has changed in my life since the last time that I posted anything. Alot of it is for the better. Actually all of it is. I promised myself that I would stop doubting myself, stop regretting things that cannot be changed. And shouldn't be changed. Cause my life would be all suckish if I changed it. I love my life.

Just sometimes it's hard to remember that.

I guess I've just been repressing alot of emotions and worries lately. We're back in the routine of schoolm, and yet I'm still craving summer. The leaves are changing. The most beautiful shades. Everytime I look out the window I see a masterpiece in the making. I wish I had more time to paint...

Fifth year is draining me. Completely and totally. If I'm not busy with homework or study I'm worrying about it all. I hate this so much. I feel like it's some sort of parasytic being just draining me of everything. Like that thing that was on Warehouse 13 last night (I may be swamped, but I still have time for tv).

Well, since I last blogged, one relationship took a new... direction. It's best for us all, I really think so. And I hope that he will eventually forgive me. He says he does-I don't know though.

Okay! Change of mood!

I'm too depressed to be concentrating on the doom and gloom that's been going on in my life. Gotta start thinking about the good things (and there are plenty of those).

Well... The Cavan lads and St. Paul's girls have formed a bond of awesomeness that twill be damned near impossible to break. Hanging in town and meeting/not REALLY meeting cause we ran off, Ozzy Osbourne was epic day to the max. Thanks guys, I love ya'll.

Then there's Dec's 18th pokernight. That was one pretty amazing night (the night of the Moodle reunion coincidently. Great day...). Had lots of fun and met a/some extra awesome guy(s). ;)

I have also become even more obsessed with Japanese pop music/anime. It's kinda sad. And English Lit. raps. And crazy videos on Youtube. I actually just spend my evenings browsing YouTube. Cause I'm sad like that (Y).

MC Lars, Lemon Demon... YES!!! XD

Also web comics. I (L) them with a firely passion now. Still reading my favourites; XKCD, CtrlAltDel, Cyanide and Happiness-but also started reading Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. And writing my own. Which kinda suck, but the effort's there.

The Guild. I've been watching alot of thet... It's good, but I do NOT look like the chick in it. Codex is hotter than me ;)

Chicks who people say I look like, but who I clearly DON'T look like:

• Yer wan from Twilight
• Emma Watson (Hermonie Granger in Harry Potter)
• Amy Adams (The princess in Enchanted)
• Hayley Williams (from Paramore)
• and now Codex from the Guild

This list will probably grow... It always seems to.

Granddad, I'm missing you lots and you've been on my mind more than ever lately...

My Life in Colours... Today's colour: Red

Red. This font is for all the anger and frustration I currently feel. Why? Why not? Anger is a fundemental part of our lives, we all have to try to learn to accept it and let it be a part of us. Do not let it take us over, but cherish the moments we live without it, and use the ones where we must endure.

Also my hair is kinda red ^^

Frustration. >.<>

i'm not asking for too much. At least I don't think I am. I just want to have what so many other teenagers already have.

And it seems to be SO EASY for them! I don't understand why! They gossip about each other, they fight, they get on each other's nerves-but they're still there for each other at the end of the day!

I try to be nice. And friendly. And actually INTERESTED in what they have to say or any problems that they might have. I take them on board (which, I've found, most people don't do). It doesn't help. It just means it seems like I'm happy to be walked all over.

Well let me tell you something:

I'M NOT /

A Day in the Life of Me

Well, we can definitely say that today had its ups and its downs. As anyone who has been reading this knows very well I was back in school at the start of the week. I'm in two minds about all this. Well, to be honest, several;

Mind 1. It's 5th year. TY has completely destroyed my study skills and I am not at all used to doing homework or tests-even worse than normal. Generally, after the summer I feel some small level of relief because of the little amounts of homework, but this year it just seems like such a large amount. It's bizarre!

Mind 2. It's 5th year. That means that the Leaving Cert is next year and I am getting sick and tired of listening to all the teachers going on and on and on and on and on and on (yeah, you get the idea) about how this is "The most important exam you will ever take." Okay, we get it. We've all been thinking the same thing ever since we heard about it.

But honestly, is it?

Yes, getting a place in college or university does have alot to do with getting the required points so you can do the courses that you want to do, but that's only one part of it, really. The interview and your CEO seems to have just as much to do with your placement. Besides, college/uni is only a stepping stone to getting your degree. Surely the final exam you do in college which desides if you are able to get your degree is more important than you Leaving? It makes alot more sense to me.

Everyday is a test. Each one is as important as the last.

Mind 3. There are alot of people who I haven't seen during the summer so it's cool to catch up with all the girls and what they've been up to and all that sort of thing. I don't do that often so I guess it's good.

Mind 4. There are even more people I do not want to see around the place. I don't see why I should spend so much time around people who make me feel uncomfortable.

Mind 5. I've gotten basically all the teachers I wanted and I get to do almost all of the subjects I wanted to do. Which pwns!

But yeah... Back to everything today. That was what I had wanted to talk about.

Well classes were interesting. In many different ways. I don't think I'll ever grow to care Religion class, no matter how the teachers try to teach me. I have too many opinions that aren't really appreciated in a Catholic school.

People are... Gossipy. Bitchy. Back-stabby. Choose whatever word you want, that's how you can describe girls. I miss the summer. There was no drama, no pointless problems that we all create to seem interesting or whatever.

So yeah. Today I have discovered the joy of crying in the rain and not caring.

It looked fine enough out, despite the fact that there were sudden showers all day so I didn't bring my coat or umbrella. I was about 10 minutes away from my house when the heavens opened. It was quite shocking. But oddly calming. I was well and truly drenched. My uniform had changed to black from green. By schoolbag was soaked and so were all mu books. But I felt alone and calm and happy. So I cried. I let go of all the tension and worries that had been in my head and I let them out. I ignored the people giving me odd looks while they scurried home. I took my time. My walk home from school is one of the only times I have to myself when I know there's nothing else I could be doing. It's something I have to do, but in a good way. I can't be studying, I can't be cleaning. I need to walk and I can just let my thoughts wander, relax and listen to my iPod. I had loads of work today. I wasn't going to let the moment pass.

I became incredibly upset for no reason when I arrived home. I guess I was just shocked that I had let so much go. Or something. Maybe I was tired after the hectic week with all the changes going on. Maybe I had been pushing all the things to do with my granddad to the back of my head and I wasn't finished mourning. I know I'm not, but maybe it's more than I thought.

My heads a jumble of French, Irish, maths and about fifty million other things. I guess I'm just trying to sort it all out and gseeing it infront of you really is the best way to do that.

Sorry for the messyness. I promise something more coherient (?) the next time.

Granddad I love you.
Granddad you're gone.
Grandad we miss you.
Don't leave me.
<3

I Have Returned To Hell

So yes, it's that part of the year again when we all put on the mouldy old uniforms and return to the never ending horror that school brings. It was horrible. I really hate that place.

So there I was, in the car with my dad and brother driving up to the gates when I noticed that there were now two driveways; one to the convent and one to what looks like a carpark sorta thing at the school. It was all covered with mud. Slippery mud. That I found it very difficult to walk on in my ugly new school shoes. (School shoes are always ugly. It's a fact of life.)

So I arrive in at reception and see the notice board that had the 5th year class lists. First good thing to happen-I'm with people I get along with. Bad thing, it's in the home ec room that's always locked and has no lockers in it. When we arrive in the classroom after what seems like an age we wonder where the hell are we supposed to put our books? Then we see what's on the desks. New journals.

Okay, so many of you might not be farmiliar with the 'journal situation' in my school I take this as my oppertunity to enlighten you. We normally have A4 blue journals. They are ugly and fall apart and are very obviously cheap, but we love them. They are very straightforward to use, they're not very heavy and, the best part, we get covers to go over them. Now, these covers are the key to the journal problem. they are loose fitting over the journal (man, it sounds like I'm describing some clothes or something) and you can fit notes and stuff into its sides. But you can also put pictures and drawings into the front of the journals to add your own personality to what is a very boring book. This is the problem. The teachers see this as grafitti (sp?). So now we have these tiny A5 notebooks that are hardback, even uglier than the old ones because they're covered with pictures of the school and they weigh a tonne. It's just so annoying. We've so many books this year, now they've added another brick.

That was one disappointment, but there are more to come my dear friends.

In walks my home ec teacher from last year. Everyone groans. This cannot be our form teacher. She is annoying, doesn't let us talk in form class and wears the most disgusting clothes. It's horrible. She gets us to move into alphabetical order so I'm basically under her nose and taken away from the one spot with a signal in the entire room! I almost died.

We then get our locker keys and are told that our lockers are in the first year corridor on the other side of the school. Why, we don't know-most lockers are in the assigned form classes-but ths year just had to be weird.

Then it's time for timetables. We are told to sit and sort it out in silence. A room filled with girls. As if. But we all got shot a look and she stops talking everytime we start so we soon shut up.
Tomorrow and Thursday look horrible. I've double Irish tomorrow. I like Irish, as a language, but as a subject it's just disgusting. And a double? Even worse.

We're then told to go to class. Without any books. This is the first year we have ever had to go to classes on the first day. Luckily it was a half day so only French, PE, Music and double Art. But still.

Rang Sile, you're not looking promising. Please improve. Please.

I can't wait for the weekend...

Epic Day Filled With Win!

Okay so today was an AMAZING day =)
It cheered me up so much after everything that's been happening in my life lately. It made me forget about school and shit like that and it felt so good to be surrounded by friends.
I just love the whole atmosphere associated with CTYI in general. Becoming friends the day before and it feeling like you've known them all your life and are closer than any friends you have back home. It's just such an amazing experience and feeling.
But anyway, back to today...
So the weather didn't look too promising but apart from a few sudden showers I think it held up alright. It was so good seeing everyone all together again (although there were some people missing). This year there were less divisions between the session 1 and 2ers due to the fact that some people did both this year. And the new Wolfie-made hoodies were amazing. I cannot believe I forgot I had ordered one. But I did and I got mine so Yuss!
Those crazy chicks who got over excited about Jamie's hair and Grattan's American-ness and us being CTYI nerd was quite terrifying. Really. But it was interesting. And the other afros around the place was pretty cool.
Good on Jamie for collecting so much for the ISPCC. It was a pretty cool idea when Lauren started it and I'm glad it's turning into a kinda tradition.
Invading the models picture with Karla and Maeve was cool. Less cool was the stink bomb being let off in the rock garden. But me and Laura did succeed in getting everyone to go there so I think that's pretty awesome.
I loved today. It was one of the best reunions ever. Thank you so much everyone! I love you all. CTYI...some of the best memories and people ever.

Freaky Stuff

okay, so I commented in my last blog entry about how it was kinda fitting that CtrlAltDel showed Zeke leaving on the day of my granddaddy's funeral. Well Cyanide and Happiness are in the middle of their Depressing Comic Week (3) and they are now talking all about death and mourning. I'm sorry but if anybody says that that isn't some sort of sign or something then I must be crazy

He's gone...

Well I guess this is finally it. He's gone. After a hectic summer of running around minding kids and grandparents, sorting out spats between the in-laws and making sure I don't go crazy with depression in the process;he's gone. The funeral was today. I've told so many people about what happened that I don't think saying anything much else would do it justice, but I'll try.
I find it oddly fitting that Zeke is leaving with Embela in CtrlAltDel while this is going on in my life. Like, in some cosmic way the whole world is subconsciously paying tribute to one of the greatest and kindest men I have ever known as he passes from this world to the next.
The most upsetting part, I found, was walking through the village behind the coffin on our way to the remove yesterday-all the family and close friends-and seeing that Brady's had closed and the owners were outside paying tribute to a great friend of theirs.
I wrote a poem. And read it when we were at the cremitorium. The front four rows, I know for sure, were filled with tears and tissues. Sorry for that!

The Man With the Smile

The man in the photographs

Over the tv

Never looked much like the granddad I knew.

My granddad was the man in the garden

Out back tending flowers

Of various hues.

He was the man in the chair

The big green chair

Sitting there reading the news.

He was the bringer of sweets

Rarely taken from their spot

Hidden from everyone's view.

He was the singer of songs

Of Dublin long gone

A Sean nos singer belting out his tune.

After a while he became the man in the bed

We watched him fade

But knew

That he would forever be

The man with the smile.

I did everything I was asked to over the last few weeks and especially the last few days. I wore what I was asked to, I made cup after cup of tea. Washed up, cleaned, hoovered, offered food, read at the funeral. I'm not complaining. It's family. It's what you do when it's needed.

But the amount of gossiping and bitching going on! It's crazy. There was a man dying in the front room upstairs all during the summer and his family spent their time getting at each other with snide remarks and comments. He was someone we all loved and they couldn't put aside their differences just to tend to him and my poor Granny who's left and lost now. They bickered and fought and complained when he didn't die at a convienent time for them. When minding him lost its novelty. When they wanted to return to their lives.

I'm not a saint. I can be as much of a bitch as any of them but I kept my mouth shut as much as I could while I was around family no matter what was being said to me or who it was. And I didn't go around crying, looking for attention. I might be a 'young wan', but sometimes I think I've more sense than the lot of them.

I'm sorry granddad, I didn't mean to moan about the family. It's just... not fair at all. A man like you, who was so good and kind and honest is gone. you were always the one with the quiet word, the gentle smile, the secret treat just because. You were the one who was interested in my accomplishments (when you could hear me telling you about them of course!) whether they were anything to do with sports or not. You were the type of person I wish that everyone could be.

You might have been older and had a bit more of an 'old school' mentallity, but you were great. Everyone who has ever met you knows what type of person you were and feels blessed to have met you.

You know I was never religious. You know I didn't fully believe as you did, but you, my good Sir, were a miricle. We were blessed to have you and I hope you're sharing a cuppa with the big man up there waiting on the rest of us to join you.

I love you Granddad. I'm heartbroken you're gone-we all are. But thank you so much for being here in the first place.

Just getting started really. Maybe this wasn't the greatest idea...

Hello people of the interweb!
Well, I've joined many different social networking sites. You name it I probably have a profile on it. And the thing is I find it incredibly sad. I mean, I spent 6 hours of my day on the internet with at least four tabs up. And why? Because I needed to check everything. NEEDED to. That's the thing that really got to me. This is what my social life has developed into... It's just kinda crazy...
I have three e-mail addresses. Yes, that's right, three. WHY, I have no idea, but I do. Remember when not everyone had a computer in their house and we all used our parents' work e-mail addresses whenever we wanted to go online? I really miss that.
So yeah, my life has been slowly becoming more and more controlled by my laptop. I'm convinced that this is how the world will end and robots will rule. They'll just send us masses of spam to go through and stuff and then we'll be so engrossed in the screens that we won't realise what's going on and before I know it BAM! we're slaves for life. Or at least until they run out of batteries.
So, yeah. I was told about this and decided to join. I put notches in my bedpost in accordance with how many times my name comes up when I Google it XD
So hi to blogger and I'll talk to you again soon ;]