Monday, June 21, 2010

Blue Skies, Grey Clouds

Well it's official. Today marks the first day in five years where I'm not going to CTYI. I woke up at ten this morning, when every year beforehand I had to be up at seven to beat the traffic.

I actually can't believe that I'm not there.

I know I'm so lucky. I have had four amazing years with spectacular people. And I know I shouldn't be complaining that I'm not there this year. My parents have told me from the beginning that I wouldn't be going this year, but oddly enough I had thought...I don't know. That it was a trick? That I would be going as a surprise? I have no idea.

The thing is, even if I were going, it wouldn't be MY CTYI. So many people who I shared the experiences with are gone. I know there would be new people and the small group of old friends that I really love spending time with.. but still.

Last year was fantastic. I was one of the older people and my old friends were still there. The course was one of the best and most interesting and enjoyable I've ever done. It was the ideal way to leave it.

But now because of the Ghost Year I just feel like I'm missing out. I was happy with the people who Ghosted last year because a good few of them I got on well with and I'm kind of happy I was never the oldest oldest person there. Yest I was regarded as one of them.

The RAs last year were amazing too. One of the best groups I've ever been with. I don't think any group will ever beat them (until I am one of course).

I guess what I really want is CTYI 2009 again. I want the same people, the same jokes, the same course... just I want the best experience I've ever had again and again.

The thing is, though, I can still be a part of it. I can crash, I can keep in contact. And everyone knows I'm going to be at the big reunion at the end of it all.

The thing is I know all of this. I know all the facts. And yet I'm still sitting indoors when the sky is bluer than I've ever seen it...

I just miss being a part of it all. I miss the excitement, the people, the traditions, the fun, the laughter, being accepted. That place is one of the only places where I feel happy. I miss the rooms, the quad, the canteen, even the food. I miss the Sportalians, the TAs, the teachers, Colm, Catriona. The smells, the work, the discos, the trips. Santry, Blanch, The Botanic Gardens, Farmleigh... I miss it all.

This summer is going to be a good one. I know it. Everyone kind of does. But when almost all of the people I love are either at CTYI or doing exams what am I supposed to be doing on these glorious days?

My mom says it was CTYI or Oxegen. And I'm kind of glad it's Oxegen. I need to start growing up and leave the security of CTYI. Just please don't forget about me guys. And please remember to keep everything going and treasure the moments..

"Bye Bye Miss American Pie..."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

New new outlook (how many's that been this year XD)

Okay, so I was rereading over texts and this and diary entries and even doodles in copies and I discovered something horrible about myself that I kind of always knew.

My life is way too controlled by other people.

Everything is about me being upset because of the actions of others or something they've said (or didn't say) or me letting myself being treated badly by them. I should know by now that I'm worth more, and yet I still let them control my life to such an insane degree.

It's not fair.

I am a strong person. My confidence had been shot, but I'm slowly regaining it. And I am happy with everything. I think. To some degree.

But old ghosts will continue to haunt me. Old fears continue to paralyse me. And old insecurities crop up and leave me spiralling downwards.

I'm also fed up with how my relationships with people seem to be defining me lately. If I'm not with my friends I don't seem to be happy. And I should be. I should be comfortable and happy in my own company. Not getting down everytime I've five minutes on my own.

And I shouldn't be so worked up with guys. I do not need a man in my life to define me. And I shouldn't be looking back on the past so much. I need to get over some things at some stage. I need to accept when things are over and move on. It's something I need, but at the moment I can't achieve. It's been months and yet even seeing you're online leaves me crying...

Why am I like this? Why am I so dependent and pathetic? I really am sick of the way I am and I need to change. And I plan to.

This summer is going to be one of change. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. And there are some simple steps I need to take;

1. Get organised for next year. Write up notes. Read all the books I need to. Do what the teachers asked me to over summer. And do it ASAP.
2. Get in shape. I'm sick of being all worried and stressed over my body and how I look. So I'm going to get fit and actually happy with how I am and comfortable with my body.
3. Spend time getting to know myself properly and be happy with myself.
4. Change my look. I'm not 100% happy with who I am and how I look, but I'm gonna stop bitching about that and actually change and make it that I'm happy.
5. Concentrate on my friends and family. Granny's in and out of hospital so she needs me. Luke's having trouble with people in school so he needs me. And I love my friends and in adolesence we always need one another.
6. Actually ENJOY my summer. I always worry about the year to come and I never live in the present. I need to live in the present sometimes.
7. Love myself. Because I am worth it. I am worth a whole lot and I am a great person and I finally understand that and believe it.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Do you ever feel that life hates you?

Well.. let's just say that everything has been a bit strange lately. And annoying. And I don't know how I feel about stuff.

I've been single for the longest that I have in about 3 years. Half the time I'm really happy about this and I really am enjoying myself. I like the me I have rediscovered. Or at least I think I do. I am liking having my own independance again and not having to answer to someone (which always ends up happening to me in relationships). I like the fact that I have my friends and am not wrapped up in being with someone else.

But then I get into those dark moments (which seem to be more and more frequent) where I wish things were different...

And now life seems to be playing an oh so fun game of screwing my life over. If I want to do something there seem to be about a million strings attatched which makes whatever it is astronomically more hassle for me. Which is kind of something I'm against.

I get stressed out too easily about nothing. I'm not even doing my Leaving this year and I spent half of fifth year stressing out about that. My granny's in hospital now and I'm just CONVIINCED it means we're going to have another summer like last year. And I don't want that. At all. I can't lose another member of my family. It would just be too much again.

It sounds horrible and selfish but sometimes I need to concentrate on my own sanity despite what's going on around me...