Heartbreak & Rediscoveries...

Well I haven't blogged in a long time due to a mix of the destruction of my laptop and my brother's obsession with World of Warcraft.

A lot has changed in my life since I last blogged. A relationship that made me deliriously happy has disintegrated around me (mainly due to faults of my own) resulting in me becomeing even more of an emotional wreck than I was before.

I will be the first to admit that I fall in love too easily. That fads come and go in my life and for a brief period of time I become obsessed with one thing and it becomes the be all and end all of my very being (a prime example of this is Glee and me staying up all night to watch all the episodes). Fads come and go in my life. And this, unfortunately translates to my relationships with people.

I am not one for keeping friends. I find it extremely difficult. A lot of it isto do with the desperation I have ofthen found in life. I am alone so much of my life that once I finally gel with someone I kind of refuse to let go of them and revert to the clingy "let's be BFFLs and do EVERYTHING together!"

Time has taught me that these relationships don't work and I have been working on discovering new people and trying to balance friendships in a group rather than on the harsh one to one basis that I am used to. I feel like I am progressing to some degree and it does make me happier, in a certain way.

From the aspect of guys, however. Well, let's just say thta one of the greatest guys I'll ever know has basically left my life and it is entirely my own fault. Previous relationships have never left me this wrecked. This upset. This...scarred. I really felt that something was there and through my overreactions and my desperation and my want for something more, something that, at this time, could not be delivered the exact way I wanted, I lost it. And this is one thing I feel I will never be forgiven for.

I don't sleep anymore. I barely eat. I feel myself draining away, almost slipping away. People keep telling me I did the right thing and reassuring me that it was all the way it should be, but I must admit I don't feel it.

It has been a beautiful week, glorious in fact. Something that we rarely see in Ireland, save for the two weeks in September when we return to school after three weeks of "summer holiday" rain. But I haven't appreciated it fully. I've been hiding in my room revisiting good times in magical worlds before I realized that there was a difference in boys and girls. I have been trying to keep myself busy. Trying to study until my brain is fried just to forget all of this. The devil makes work of idle hands and perhaps if I am able to forget all this hurt will go away. But it doesn't work. All I know is I've spent the last three weeks crying myself to sleep every night.

Yet I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be brooding. I have friends. There are people who want to see me, want to know me and spend time with me. I have places to go and people to go with to those places. I should be happy that finally I have these things to the degree that I've always wanted. I have people texting ME to talk, rather than always the other way round. I run into people in town and they seem happy to see me. They're happy to stop and talk. I have never really experienced this fully...

And not only is it new people, but old people too! I'm revisiting old relationships that I thought were dead and gone, only to discover that I was actually missed.

I know that nobody probably reads this thing, but to be able to express this feels so good. All of this has been locked in my heart for so long. I know I have made some mistakes when it comes to relationships, but right now. At this moment. When it comes to my friends, at least, I think I'm doing okay.