Today my mood is going from good to bad.
From happy to sad.
From content to mad.
Everything is up, down, side, side, yes, no, maybe, why, when, how, please, please dojn't, why did I do that? Why won't things change for the better? Why won't they get easier? How can they? Will I hurt you? I don't mean to, but if I did? If I didn't? Would that hurt me? how can I even think of this? Why am I thinking of this?
Why am I feeling like this? WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Life Update
I've come to a stage in my life where I've discovered I'm the important one that I have to look out for. There's no point in me stressing and worrying and achieving nothing when all the people around me who I gave up my life for are living theres and completely content with everything.
I need more me time.
So I entered this school year with the plan that, yes, it is an important and stressful year filled with exams and STRESS and work and STRESS and people I would rather not deal with and STRESS and tests and STRESS and let's add some more STRESS in there.
That is basically what I thought 6th year would be like.
And I fully accepted that and I feel that I have been getting a lot out of it and am coping, for the most part, much better than I had last year. I seem to be getting on with people more (quite the feat for me since I constantly feel so socially awkward). I'm on top of my workload for the most part. And, believe it or not, I am even enjoying some aspects.
Things seem calmer and quite okay for me at the moment.
But I'm not happy.
I thought that if I took this year slowly and easily in little bites I'd be able to chill out a bit and not get so stressed. And that's what I've been doing. And mostly I don't get so stressed. I'm doing okay (save for a little stress fit every now and again). I thought my stress was the one thing that I needed to organize to make myself happy and feel fulfilled.
Guess I forgot about the rest of my life...
I thought one plan would work, but it's just added worry. I feel so much older than so many people. I feel like I'm losing old friends and not making new ones. I'm 17 and absolutely dying to turn 18 just for something new. So I'm not stuck in the same old rut when it comes to socializing.
Go to town a little earlier than everyone else. Chill in the green. Meet up with others. Wander around. Lose people. Find people. Put up with certain people. Miss other people. Eat. Walk people to buses. Hang around for a bit. Home.
Every Saturday has just become routine. And I love my friends. I love seeing them all. But there's nothing different. There's nothing exciting or new or interesting. Like my school week, my weekends have become routine. Surely that's the time of the week when you're supposed to relax from the stress of the week and go a little nuts..? It shouldn't be something I cam recite off like a list. Like my school timetable.
Maybe I need new interests. But honestly, I'm only just about on top of everything. If I take up something else I'm afraid I won't have time for other things that are necessary at the moment.
When I'm 18 though... I'm not expecting it to be like some sort of magical cure all that will make my life suddenly fun and exciting and different. But I am expecting to be able to have a few more doors open to me. A few more things for me to be able to do. More options at least.
The only thing I do know I want at the moment is for it to be July. For all this year to be gone and for me to be preparing for the summer and college and a year of new beginnings...
I just need something... Something new that I can hold on to and motivate me. Because I can only keep going like this for so long. At some point, if there's no change, I'm gonna burn out. I can feel myself getting bored with life already...
I need more me time.
So I entered this school year with the plan that, yes, it is an important and stressful year filled with exams and STRESS and work and STRESS and people I would rather not deal with and STRESS and tests and STRESS and let's add some more STRESS in there.
That is basically what I thought 6th year would be like.
And I fully accepted that and I feel that I have been getting a lot out of it and am coping, for the most part, much better than I had last year. I seem to be getting on with people more (quite the feat for me since I constantly feel so socially awkward). I'm on top of my workload for the most part. And, believe it or not, I am even enjoying some aspects.
Things seem calmer and quite okay for me at the moment.
But I'm not happy.
I thought that if I took this year slowly and easily in little bites I'd be able to chill out a bit and not get so stressed. And that's what I've been doing. And mostly I don't get so stressed. I'm doing okay (save for a little stress fit every now and again). I thought my stress was the one thing that I needed to organize to make myself happy and feel fulfilled.
Guess I forgot about the rest of my life...
I thought one plan would work, but it's just added worry. I feel so much older than so many people. I feel like I'm losing old friends and not making new ones. I'm 17 and absolutely dying to turn 18 just for something new. So I'm not stuck in the same old rut when it comes to socializing.
Go to town a little earlier than everyone else. Chill in the green. Meet up with others. Wander around. Lose people. Find people. Put up with certain people. Miss other people. Eat. Walk people to buses. Hang around for a bit. Home.
Every Saturday has just become routine. And I love my friends. I love seeing them all. But there's nothing different. There's nothing exciting or new or interesting. Like my school week, my weekends have become routine. Surely that's the time of the week when you're supposed to relax from the stress of the week and go a little nuts..? It shouldn't be something I cam recite off like a list. Like my school timetable.
Maybe I need new interests. But honestly, I'm only just about on top of everything. If I take up something else I'm afraid I won't have time for other things that are necessary at the moment.
When I'm 18 though... I'm not expecting it to be like some sort of magical cure all that will make my life suddenly fun and exciting and different. But I am expecting to be able to have a few more doors open to me. A few more things for me to be able to do. More options at least.
The only thing I do know I want at the moment is for it to be July. For all this year to be gone and for me to be preparing for the summer and college and a year of new beginnings...
I just need something... Something new that I can hold on to and motivate me. Because I can only keep going like this for so long. At some point, if there's no change, I'm gonna burn out. I can feel myself getting bored with life already...
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