Expectations

Everyone always says that the run up and excitement to an event is much more fun and exciting than the actual event itself. I think that this depends. It is very true that the run up to things can be great fun, all the planning and talking about it and whatnot. But that is how we make it more exciting. We build it up in our minds. We think of every single possible posibility and it quickly develops into this huge thing, no matter how small it actually is. How many parties have you gone to expecting something great, only to be disappointed by the reality?

Equally though, how many parties have you attended, expected nothing, and had the greatest time of your life?

See that's the thing. We all love spur of the moment stuff and surprises because they can't disappoint us (unless we're the ones planning them of course).

I know some of my best nights have been when I haven't been expecting anything to happen and then everyone is relaxed and all in the same situation and more than happy to just experience the experience.

Perhaps we should be living in the moment more...

I'm saying all this because this has become a year of forward thinking. Everything has been directed towards the CAO in January, the upcoming mocks in February, the practicals in April, the exams in June, the results in August and next year when all of this will just be a horrible memory. All of the teachers keep emphasising the exams and what is yet to come and how important they are and how they will change our lives forever and...

Really they're making it out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is.

Yes, the exams are important. Believe me, I'll be the first person to admit that, but they are not the be all and end all, as people keep telling me. There are other ways to get on in life. Not every person who succeeded in the real world did well at school or tests. All these really are are memory tests.

I've been keeping up. Certain grades are improving. I'm moving steady. And now I'm calm and quite happy about that. I'm not looking to June. I'm looking at this week and what challenges I can tackle this week. What I can achieve this week.

6th year is pretty horrible, but it isn't all bad. For the first time ever I feel even slightly accepted in school, which is a miracle and achievement in itself. I'm getting on a bit better with people and not feeling as panicky or socially awkward, which is always a nice feeling.

Maybe this is the way I should try live my life. Not planning too far ahead. Just taking things as they come.

Ignorance

So they say ignorance is bliss. It has never been truer. In a cyber world we have entire websites where people can pour out their hearts and souls.

Only to be ignored and passed over in favour of one who has more positive, frivilous news.

You don't know how much you could save someone if you just stopped for a moment, left the thoughts aside and looked at what people were writing and way.

And maybe, if you were especially heroic you'd ask how you could help

Even a comment could help save a life

Turns Out

Decided to check out your page, see how you were doing.
Turns out you're doing better than me.

Decided to look at something I really shouldn''t have.
Turns out I'll never be able to forget.

Decided to relive past conversations.
Turns out I'm not as mature as I thought I was.

Decided to look at old texts.
Turns out you're making better progress than me.

Decided to try and block out the hurt.
Turns out it's becoming impossible.

Decided I was wrong.
Turns out I had been all along.

Falling Slowly

Recently a book I'd been longing to read for quite a while arrived in the post. Actually two copies of it arrived. Before Christmas my mom had ordered two hardback, first editions of 'I Shall Wear Midnight' by Terry Pratchett. He is one of our favourite authors who I met at last year's Irish Discworld Convention. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and as such his last book, 'Unseen Academicals', was not, let's say, his best work.

The arrival of the package was both a surprise and a blessing. It was just after Christmas and we were at that stage between Christmas and New Years Eve when nothing much is happening. All I planned on doing was sit at the computer and go on Facebook. But then the postman delivered something wonderful.

The book had been released back in September, but I had promised my mother to wait to buy and read it. She wanted to get it for Christmas and so I said okay. I wasn't expecting too much, to be honest, if his last book was anything to go by. He is a brilliant man with a fantastic mind and his work is amazing. But the last book just didn't seem to gel or move as well as previous ones had. All geniuses are allowed a dud I guess.

'I Shall Wear Mdnight' began as I thought it would judging on the previous work. It was a little slow and difficult to get into. However, as I progressed and delved deeper I rediscovered this brilliant mind that had brought me so much joy and companionship over the years.

I startd reading his books when I was around 8 or 9. I'm 18 now and rereading those words and ideas just hit me the same way as they ever did. When I read his new books, once again I am a little kid discovering new fantastical worlds. Once again I was totally engrossed in the story. I wanted to know what would happen. was scared at all the right bits. I saw what was coming, yet was still shocked when it did. I fell in love with the characters and cried along with them, both at happy times and sad.

Reading this book brought me back. It really hit me. I know I am one who cries a lot. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm tired. I cry when I miss people. I cry when I'm happy. I cry at certain thoughts. I cry at movies. And songs. And books.

All these open up new parts of us. New ways of thinking and seeing the world around us. If we don't break down and cry and release at some point, especially for little things, how ar we going to for the big things or be able to help other people.

How will we be able to help ourselves?

I'm not the best when it comes to my emotions. I try to control them, but sometimes I get lost along the way. But crying is something I am good at. And I thank the wold for every single tear I've ever shed. All they've done is help me in life. And I hope to cry more and more in the future.