I've come to a stage in my life where I've discovered I'm the important one that I have to look out for. There's no point in me stressing and worrying and achieving nothing when all the people around me who I gave up my life for are living theres and completely content with everything.
I need more me time.
So I entered this school year with the plan that, yes, it is an important and stressful year filled with exams and STRESS and work and STRESS and people I would rather not deal with and STRESS and tests and STRESS and let's add some more STRESS in there.
That is basically what I thought 6th year would be like.
And I fully accepted that and I feel that I have been getting a lot out of it and am coping, for the most part, much better than I had last year. I seem to be getting on with people more (quite the feat for me since I constantly feel so socially awkward). I'm on top of my workload for the most part. And, believe it or not, I am even enjoying some aspects.
Things seem calmer and quite okay for me at the moment.
But I'm not happy.
I thought that if I took this year slowly and easily in little bites I'd be able to chill out a bit and not get so stressed. And that's what I've been doing. And mostly I don't get so stressed. I'm doing okay (save for a little stress fit every now and again). I thought my stress was the one thing that I needed to organize to make myself happy and feel fulfilled.
Guess I forgot about the rest of my life...
I thought one plan would work, but it's just added worry. I feel so much older than so many people. I feel like I'm losing old friends and not making new ones. I'm 17 and absolutely dying to turn 18 just for something new. So I'm not stuck in the same old rut when it comes to socializing.
Go to town a little earlier than everyone else. Chill in the green. Meet up with others. Wander around. Lose people. Find people. Put up with certain people. Miss other people. Eat. Walk people to buses. Hang around for a bit. Home.
Every Saturday has just become routine. And I love my friends. I love seeing them all. But there's nothing different. There's nothing exciting or new or interesting. Like my school week, my weekends have become routine. Surely that's the time of the week when you're supposed to relax from the stress of the week and go a little nuts..? It shouldn't be something I cam recite off like a list. Like my school timetable.
Maybe I need new interests. But honestly, I'm only just about on top of everything. If I take up something else I'm afraid I won't have time for other things that are necessary at the moment.
When I'm 18 though... I'm not expecting it to be like some sort of magical cure all that will make my life suddenly fun and exciting and different. But I am expecting to be able to have a few more doors open to me. A few more things for me to be able to do. More options at least.
The only thing I do know I want at the moment is for it to be July. For all this year to be gone and for me to be preparing for the summer and college and a year of new beginnings...
I just need something... Something new that I can hold on to and motivate me. Because I can only keep going like this for so long. At some point, if there's no change, I'm gonna burn out. I can feel myself getting bored with life already...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Double Rainbow
Everything is looking up. Quite a bit.
The sun shines bright,
Blue skies acting as background for
A magnificent double rainbow.
The sun shines bright,
Blue skies acting as background for
A magnificent double rainbow.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Slowly Recovering
Well, there have been a lot of changes in my life lately.
Again.
The summer just seems to change my life as frequently as the Irish weather changes. My outlook on life, the person that I feel I am becoming-I don't quite know where I am in life. But getting there is slowly becoming easier.
Although there have been shaky situations. There have been moments and situations that have knocked me off this positive road that I seem to be on. One time, last week I felt worse than I have in a very long time. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to move. At one stage I didn't even want to breathe. I got to a point where all I did was lie in the dark and refuse to talk to anyone. Everything set me off in tears. A wrong look. A careless remark. I didn't know what was wrong. And I felt like nobody cared.
That's the worst thing that happens when I get into my depressed state. Despite all the friends and family and support I have all I want to do is hide from them all. I never believe anything they tell me when I'm like this. I can't. I just focus on the black moments. The times when I haven't been able to talk to anyone or when I have lost people I have loved.
And that is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
But then, last week, when I was feeling the most hopeless I have for a long time, a magical thing happened. My friends showed me that, yes, I am loved. And thank you so much guys.
Thank you to the old friend who has been there for me so much and kept texting me to ask what was wrong, even when I stopped replying.
Thank you to the friend who gave me the space I needed and then contacted me the next morning to cheer me up.
Thank you to the friend who went out of her way to call me and make sure I was okay and brought a smile to my face for the first time that day.
Thank you guys so much.
The thing that gets to me, though, and sends me spiralling even deeper is my dependency on people. I absolutely adore my friends. They are amazing people and I love having them in my life. But for a time I felt I was achieving more independence again. I felt like I was able to handle things on my own and being on my own.
One thing I really don't like about myself is this:
I'm not happy on my own. I can't be in my own company without becoming down and depressed and upset. It's one aspect of my character that I really do want to change. Because I am a wonderful person and if everyone else is happy in my company, I should be too.
But then again, I spent a few days chilling at home this week and I've been smiling for most of the day. Certain things still get me down. And maybe they always will. Perhaps there are some things and people that I will never get fully over no matter what my intentions and outlook are. But that's gonna be part of me, I guess. Every decision I have made lately and in my entire life are and I just have to live with that and remind myself constantly that I am still loved and still a wonderful person. It's gonna take a long time, but I realize these things about myself and my life and everything is definitely going to be better from this moment on.
I hope....
Again.
The summer just seems to change my life as frequently as the Irish weather changes. My outlook on life, the person that I feel I am becoming-I don't quite know where I am in life. But getting there is slowly becoming easier.
Although there have been shaky situations. There have been moments and situations that have knocked me off this positive road that I seem to be on. One time, last week I felt worse than I have in a very long time. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to move. At one stage I didn't even want to breathe. I got to a point where all I did was lie in the dark and refuse to talk to anyone. Everything set me off in tears. A wrong look. A careless remark. I didn't know what was wrong. And I felt like nobody cared.
That's the worst thing that happens when I get into my depressed state. Despite all the friends and family and support I have all I want to do is hide from them all. I never believe anything they tell me when I'm like this. I can't. I just focus on the black moments. The times when I haven't been able to talk to anyone or when I have lost people I have loved.
And that is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
But then, last week, when I was feeling the most hopeless I have for a long time, a magical thing happened. My friends showed me that, yes, I am loved. And thank you so much guys.
Thank you to the old friend who has been there for me so much and kept texting me to ask what was wrong, even when I stopped replying.
Thank you to the friend who gave me the space I needed and then contacted me the next morning to cheer me up.
Thank you to the friend who went out of her way to call me and make sure I was okay and brought a smile to my face for the first time that day.
Thank you guys so much.
The thing that gets to me, though, and sends me spiralling even deeper is my dependency on people. I absolutely adore my friends. They are amazing people and I love having them in my life. But for a time I felt I was achieving more independence again. I felt like I was able to handle things on my own and being on my own.
One thing I really don't like about myself is this:
I'm not happy on my own. I can't be in my own company without becoming down and depressed and upset. It's one aspect of my character that I really do want to change. Because I am a wonderful person and if everyone else is happy in my company, I should be too.
But then again, I spent a few days chilling at home this week and I've been smiling for most of the day. Certain things still get me down. And maybe they always will. Perhaps there are some things and people that I will never get fully over no matter what my intentions and outlook are. But that's gonna be part of me, I guess. Every decision I have made lately and in my entire life are and I just have to live with that and remind myself constantly that I am still loved and still a wonderful person. It's gonna take a long time, but I realize these things about myself and my life and everything is definitely going to be better from this moment on.
I hope....
Monday, June 21, 2010
Blue Skies, Grey Clouds
Well it's official. Today marks the first day in five years where I'm not going to CTYI. I woke up at ten this morning, when every year beforehand I had to be up at seven to beat the traffic.
I actually can't believe that I'm not there.
I know I'm so lucky. I have had four amazing years with spectacular people. And I know I shouldn't be complaining that I'm not there this year. My parents have told me from the beginning that I wouldn't be going this year, but oddly enough I had thought...I don't know. That it was a trick? That I would be going as a surprise? I have no idea.
The thing is, even if I were going, it wouldn't be MY CTYI. So many people who I shared the experiences with are gone. I know there would be new people and the small group of old friends that I really love spending time with.. but still.
Last year was fantastic. I was one of the older people and my old friends were still there. The course was one of the best and most interesting and enjoyable I've ever done. It was the ideal way to leave it.
But now because of the Ghost Year I just feel like I'm missing out. I was happy with the people who Ghosted last year because a good few of them I got on well with and I'm kind of happy I was never the oldest oldest person there. Yest I was regarded as one of them.
The RAs last year were amazing too. One of the best groups I've ever been with. I don't think any group will ever beat them (until I am one of course).
I guess what I really want is CTYI 2009 again. I want the same people, the same jokes, the same course... just I want the best experience I've ever had again and again.
The thing is, though, I can still be a part of it. I can crash, I can keep in contact. And everyone knows I'm going to be at the big reunion at the end of it all.
The thing is I know all of this. I know all the facts. And yet I'm still sitting indoors when the sky is bluer than I've ever seen it...
I just miss being a part of it all. I miss the excitement, the people, the traditions, the fun, the laughter, being accepted. That place is one of the only places where I feel happy. I miss the rooms, the quad, the canteen, even the food. I miss the Sportalians, the TAs, the teachers, Colm, Catriona. The smells, the work, the discos, the trips. Santry, Blanch, The Botanic Gardens, Farmleigh... I miss it all.
This summer is going to be a good one. I know it. Everyone kind of does. But when almost all of the people I love are either at CTYI or doing exams what am I supposed to be doing on these glorious days?
My mom says it was CTYI or Oxegen. And I'm kind of glad it's Oxegen. I need to start growing up and leave the security of CTYI. Just please don't forget about me guys. And please remember to keep everything going and treasure the moments..
"Bye Bye Miss American Pie..."
I actually can't believe that I'm not there.
I know I'm so lucky. I have had four amazing years with spectacular people. And I know I shouldn't be complaining that I'm not there this year. My parents have told me from the beginning that I wouldn't be going this year, but oddly enough I had thought...I don't know. That it was a trick? That I would be going as a surprise? I have no idea.
The thing is, even if I were going, it wouldn't be MY CTYI. So many people who I shared the experiences with are gone. I know there would be new people and the small group of old friends that I really love spending time with.. but still.
Last year was fantastic. I was one of the older people and my old friends were still there. The course was one of the best and most interesting and enjoyable I've ever done. It was the ideal way to leave it.
But now because of the Ghost Year I just feel like I'm missing out. I was happy with the people who Ghosted last year because a good few of them I got on well with and I'm kind of happy I was never the oldest oldest person there. Yest I was regarded as one of them.
The RAs last year were amazing too. One of the best groups I've ever been with. I don't think any group will ever beat them (until I am one of course).
I guess what I really want is CTYI 2009 again. I want the same people, the same jokes, the same course... just I want the best experience I've ever had again and again.
The thing is, though, I can still be a part of it. I can crash, I can keep in contact. And everyone knows I'm going to be at the big reunion at the end of it all.
The thing is I know all of this. I know all the facts. And yet I'm still sitting indoors when the sky is bluer than I've ever seen it...
I just miss being a part of it all. I miss the excitement, the people, the traditions, the fun, the laughter, being accepted. That place is one of the only places where I feel happy. I miss the rooms, the quad, the canteen, even the food. I miss the Sportalians, the TAs, the teachers, Colm, Catriona. The smells, the work, the discos, the trips. Santry, Blanch, The Botanic Gardens, Farmleigh... I miss it all.
This summer is going to be a good one. I know it. Everyone kind of does. But when almost all of the people I love are either at CTYI or doing exams what am I supposed to be doing on these glorious days?
My mom says it was CTYI or Oxegen. And I'm kind of glad it's Oxegen. I need to start growing up and leave the security of CTYI. Just please don't forget about me guys. And please remember to keep everything going and treasure the moments..
"Bye Bye Miss American Pie..."
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
New new outlook (how many's that been this year XD)
Okay, so I was rereading over texts and this and diary entries and even doodles in copies and I discovered something horrible about myself that I kind of always knew.
My life is way too controlled by other people.
Everything is about me being upset because of the actions of others or something they've said (or didn't say) or me letting myself being treated badly by them. I should know by now that I'm worth more, and yet I still let them control my life to such an insane degree.
It's not fair.
I am a strong person. My confidence had been shot, but I'm slowly regaining it. And I am happy with everything. I think. To some degree.
But old ghosts will continue to haunt me. Old fears continue to paralyse me. And old insecurities crop up and leave me spiralling downwards.
I'm also fed up with how my relationships with people seem to be defining me lately. If I'm not with my friends I don't seem to be happy. And I should be. I should be comfortable and happy in my own company. Not getting down everytime I've five minutes on my own.
And I shouldn't be so worked up with guys. I do not need a man in my life to define me. And I shouldn't be looking back on the past so much. I need to get over some things at some stage. I need to accept when things are over and move on. It's something I need, but at the moment I can't achieve. It's been months and yet even seeing you're online leaves me crying...
Why am I like this? Why am I so dependent and pathetic? I really am sick of the way I am and I need to change. And I plan to.
This summer is going to be one of change. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. And there are some simple steps I need to take;
1. Get organised for next year. Write up notes. Read all the books I need to. Do what the teachers asked me to over summer. And do it ASAP.
2. Get in shape. I'm sick of being all worried and stressed over my body and how I look. So I'm going to get fit and actually happy with how I am and comfortable with my body.
3. Spend time getting to know myself properly and be happy with myself.
4. Change my look. I'm not 100% happy with who I am and how I look, but I'm gonna stop bitching about that and actually change and make it that I'm happy.
5. Concentrate on my friends and family. Granny's in and out of hospital so she needs me. Luke's having trouble with people in school so he needs me. And I love my friends and in adolesence we always need one another.
6. Actually ENJOY my summer. I always worry about the year to come and I never live in the present. I need to live in the present sometimes.
7. Love myself. Because I am worth it. I am worth a whole lot and I am a great person and I finally understand that and believe it.
My life is way too controlled by other people.
Everything is about me being upset because of the actions of others or something they've said (or didn't say) or me letting myself being treated badly by them. I should know by now that I'm worth more, and yet I still let them control my life to such an insane degree.
It's not fair.
I am a strong person. My confidence had been shot, but I'm slowly regaining it. And I am happy with everything. I think. To some degree.
But old ghosts will continue to haunt me. Old fears continue to paralyse me. And old insecurities crop up and leave me spiralling downwards.
I'm also fed up with how my relationships with people seem to be defining me lately. If I'm not with my friends I don't seem to be happy. And I should be. I should be comfortable and happy in my own company. Not getting down everytime I've five minutes on my own.
And I shouldn't be so worked up with guys. I do not need a man in my life to define me. And I shouldn't be looking back on the past so much. I need to get over some things at some stage. I need to accept when things are over and move on. It's something I need, but at the moment I can't achieve. It's been months and yet even seeing you're online leaves me crying...
Why am I like this? Why am I so dependent and pathetic? I really am sick of the way I am and I need to change. And I plan to.
This summer is going to be one of change. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. And there are some simple steps I need to take;
1. Get organised for next year. Write up notes. Read all the books I need to. Do what the teachers asked me to over summer. And do it ASAP.
2. Get in shape. I'm sick of being all worried and stressed over my body and how I look. So I'm going to get fit and actually happy with how I am and comfortable with my body.
3. Spend time getting to know myself properly and be happy with myself.
4. Change my look. I'm not 100% happy with who I am and how I look, but I'm gonna stop bitching about that and actually change and make it that I'm happy.
5. Concentrate on my friends and family. Granny's in and out of hospital so she needs me. Luke's having trouble with people in school so he needs me. And I love my friends and in adolesence we always need one another.
6. Actually ENJOY my summer. I always worry about the year to come and I never live in the present. I need to live in the present sometimes.
7. Love myself. Because I am worth it. I am worth a whole lot and I am a great person and I finally understand that and believe it.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Do you ever feel that life hates you?
Well.. let's just say that everything has been a bit strange lately. And annoying. And I don't know how I feel about stuff.
I've been single for the longest that I have in about 3 years. Half the time I'm really happy about this and I really am enjoying myself. I like the me I have rediscovered. Or at least I think I do. I am liking having my own independance again and not having to answer to someone (which always ends up happening to me in relationships). I like the fact that I have my friends and am not wrapped up in being with someone else.
But then I get into those dark moments (which seem to be more and more frequent) where I wish things were different...
And now life seems to be playing an oh so fun game of screwing my life over. If I want to do something there seem to be about a million strings attatched which makes whatever it is astronomically more hassle for me. Which is kind of something I'm against.
I get stressed out too easily about nothing. I'm not even doing my Leaving this year and I spent half of fifth year stressing out about that. My granny's in hospital now and I'm just CONVIINCED it means we're going to have another summer like last year. And I don't want that. At all. I can't lose another member of my family. It would just be too much again.
It sounds horrible and selfish but sometimes I need to concentrate on my own sanity despite what's going on around me...
I've been single for the longest that I have in about 3 years. Half the time I'm really happy about this and I really am enjoying myself. I like the me I have rediscovered. Or at least I think I do. I am liking having my own independance again and not having to answer to someone (which always ends up happening to me in relationships). I like the fact that I have my friends and am not wrapped up in being with someone else.
But then I get into those dark moments (which seem to be more and more frequent) where I wish things were different...
And now life seems to be playing an oh so fun game of screwing my life over. If I want to do something there seem to be about a million strings attatched which makes whatever it is astronomically more hassle for me. Which is kind of something I'm against.
I get stressed out too easily about nothing. I'm not even doing my Leaving this year and I spent half of fifth year stressing out about that. My granny's in hospital now and I'm just CONVIINCED it means we're going to have another summer like last year. And I don't want that. At all. I can't lose another member of my family. It would just be too much again.
It sounds horrible and selfish but sometimes I need to concentrate on my own sanity despite what's going on around me...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Heartbreak & Rediscoveries...
Well I haven't blogged in a long time due to a mix of the destruction of my laptop and my brother's obsession with World of Warcraft.
A lot has changed in my life since I last blogged. A relationship that made me deliriously happy has disintegrated around me (mainly due to faults of my own) resulting in me becomeing even more of an emotional wreck than I was before.
I will be the first to admit that I fall in love too easily. That fads come and go in my life and for a brief period of time I become obsessed with one thing and it becomes the be all and end all of my very being (a prime example of this is Glee and me staying up all night to watch all the episodes). Fads come and go in my life. And this, unfortunately translates to my relationships with people.
I am not one for keeping friends. I find it extremely difficult. A lot of it isto do with the desperation I have ofthen found in life. I am alone so much of my life that once I finally gel with someone I kind of refuse to let go of them and revert to the clingy "let's be BFFLs and do EVERYTHING together!"
Time has taught me that these relationships don't work and I have been working on discovering new people and trying to balance friendships in a group rather than on the harsh one to one basis that I am used to. I feel like I am progressing to some degree and it does make me happier, in a certain way.
From the aspect of guys, however. Well, let's just say thta one of the greatest guys I'll ever know has basically left my life and it is entirely my own fault. Previous relationships have never left me this wrecked. This upset. This...scarred. I really felt that something was there and through my overreactions and my desperation and my want for something more, something that, at this time, could not be delivered the exact way I wanted, I lost it. And this is one thing I feel I will never be forgiven for.
I don't sleep anymore. I barely eat. I feel myself draining away, almost slipping away. People keep telling me I did the right thing and reassuring me that it was all the way it should be, but I must admit I don't feel it.
It has been a beautiful week, glorious in fact. Something that we rarely see in Ireland, save for the two weeks in September when we return to school after three weeks of "summer holiday" rain. But I haven't appreciated it fully. I've been hiding in my room revisiting good times in magical worlds before I realized that there was a difference in boys and girls. I have been trying to keep myself busy. Trying to study until my brain is fried just to forget all of this. The devil makes work of idle hands and perhaps if I am able to forget all this hurt will go away. But it doesn't work. All I know is I've spent the last three weeks crying myself to sleep every night.
Yet I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be brooding. I have friends. There are people who want to see me, want to know me and spend time with me. I have places to go and people to go with to those places. I should be happy that finally I have these things to the degree that I've always wanted. I have people texting ME to talk, rather than always the other way round. I run into people in town and they seem happy to see me. They're happy to stop and talk. I have never really experienced this fully...
And not only is it new people, but old people too! I'm revisiting old relationships that I thought were dead and gone, only to discover that I was actually missed.
I know that nobody probably reads this thing, but to be able to express this feels so good. All of this has been locked in my heart for so long. I know I have made some mistakes when it comes to relationships, but right now. At this moment. When it comes to my friends, at least, I think I'm doing okay.
A lot has changed in my life since I last blogged. A relationship that made me deliriously happy has disintegrated around me (mainly due to faults of my own) resulting in me becomeing even more of an emotional wreck than I was before.
I will be the first to admit that I fall in love too easily. That fads come and go in my life and for a brief period of time I become obsessed with one thing and it becomes the be all and end all of my very being (a prime example of this is Glee and me staying up all night to watch all the episodes). Fads come and go in my life. And this, unfortunately translates to my relationships with people.
I am not one for keeping friends. I find it extremely difficult. A lot of it isto do with the desperation I have ofthen found in life. I am alone so much of my life that once I finally gel with someone I kind of refuse to let go of them and revert to the clingy "let's be BFFLs and do EVERYTHING together!"
Time has taught me that these relationships don't work and I have been working on discovering new people and trying to balance friendships in a group rather than on the harsh one to one basis that I am used to. I feel like I am progressing to some degree and it does make me happier, in a certain way.
From the aspect of guys, however. Well, let's just say thta one of the greatest guys I'll ever know has basically left my life and it is entirely my own fault. Previous relationships have never left me this wrecked. This upset. This...scarred. I really felt that something was there and through my overreactions and my desperation and my want for something more, something that, at this time, could not be delivered the exact way I wanted, I lost it. And this is one thing I feel I will never be forgiven for.
I don't sleep anymore. I barely eat. I feel myself draining away, almost slipping away. People keep telling me I did the right thing and reassuring me that it was all the way it should be, but I must admit I don't feel it.
It has been a beautiful week, glorious in fact. Something that we rarely see in Ireland, save for the two weeks in September when we return to school after three weeks of "summer holiday" rain. But I haven't appreciated it fully. I've been hiding in my room revisiting good times in magical worlds before I realized that there was a difference in boys and girls. I have been trying to keep myself busy. Trying to study until my brain is fried just to forget all of this. The devil makes work of idle hands and perhaps if I am able to forget all this hurt will go away. But it doesn't work. All I know is I've spent the last three weeks crying myself to sleep every night.
Yet I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be brooding. I have friends. There are people who want to see me, want to know me and spend time with me. I have places to go and people to go with to those places. I should be happy that finally I have these things to the degree that I've always wanted. I have people texting ME to talk, rather than always the other way round. I run into people in town and they seem happy to see me. They're happy to stop and talk. I have never really experienced this fully...
And not only is it new people, but old people too! I'm revisiting old relationships that I thought were dead and gone, only to discover that I was actually missed.
I know that nobody probably reads this thing, but to be able to express this feels so good. All of this has been locked in my heart for so long. I know I have made some mistakes when it comes to relationships, but right now. At this moment. When it comes to my friends, at least, I think I'm doing okay.
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