Blue Skies, Grey Clouds

Well it's official. Today marks the first day in five years where I'm not going to CTYI. I woke up at ten this morning, when every year beforehand I had to be up at seven to beat the traffic.

I actually can't believe that I'm not there.

I know I'm so lucky. I have had four amazing years with spectacular people. And I know I shouldn't be complaining that I'm not there this year. My parents have told me from the beginning that I wouldn't be going this year, but oddly enough I had thought...I don't know. That it was a trick? That I would be going as a surprise? I have no idea.

The thing is, even if I were going, it wouldn't be MY CTYI. So many people who I shared the experiences with are gone. I know there would be new people and the small group of old friends that I really love spending time with.. but still.

Last year was fantastic. I was one of the older people and my old friends were still there. The course was one of the best and most interesting and enjoyable I've ever done. It was the ideal way to leave it.

But now because of the Ghost Year I just feel like I'm missing out. I was happy with the people who Ghosted last year because a good few of them I got on well with and I'm kind of happy I was never the oldest oldest person there. Yest I was regarded as one of them.

The RAs last year were amazing too. One of the best groups I've ever been with. I don't think any group will ever beat them (until I am one of course).

I guess what I really want is CTYI 2009 again. I want the same people, the same jokes, the same course... just I want the best experience I've ever had again and again.

The thing is, though, I can still be a part of it. I can crash, I can keep in contact. And everyone knows I'm going to be at the big reunion at the end of it all.

The thing is I know all of this. I know all the facts. And yet I'm still sitting indoors when the sky is bluer than I've ever seen it...

I just miss being a part of it all. I miss the excitement, the people, the traditions, the fun, the laughter, being accepted. That place is one of the only places where I feel happy. I miss the rooms, the quad, the canteen, even the food. I miss the Sportalians, the TAs, the teachers, Colm, Catriona. The smells, the work, the discos, the trips. Santry, Blanch, The Botanic Gardens, Farmleigh... I miss it all.

This summer is going to be a good one. I know it. Everyone kind of does. But when almost all of the people I love are either at CTYI or doing exams what am I supposed to be doing on these glorious days?

My mom says it was CTYI or Oxegen. And I'm kind of glad it's Oxegen. I need to start growing up and leave the security of CTYI. Just please don't forget about me guys. And please remember to keep everything going and treasure the moments..

"Bye Bye Miss American Pie..."