Okay, so I was rereading over texts and this and diary entries and even doodles in copies and I discovered something horrible about myself that I kind of always knew.
My life is way too controlled by other people.
Everything is about me being upset because of the actions of others or something they've said (or didn't say) or me letting myself being treated badly by them. I should know by now that I'm worth more, and yet I still let them control my life to such an insane degree.
It's not fair.
I am a strong person. My confidence had been shot, but I'm slowly regaining it. And I am happy with everything. I think. To some degree.
But old ghosts will continue to haunt me. Old fears continue to paralyse me. And old insecurities crop up and leave me spiralling downwards.
I'm also fed up with how my relationships with people seem to be defining me lately. If I'm not with my friends I don't seem to be happy. And I should be. I should be comfortable and happy in my own company. Not getting down everytime I've five minutes on my own.
And I shouldn't be so worked up with guys. I do not need a man in my life to define me. And I shouldn't be looking back on the past so much. I need to get over some things at some stage. I need to accept when things are over and move on. It's something I need, but at the moment I can't achieve. It's been months and yet even seeing you're online leaves me crying...
Why am I like this? Why am I so dependent and pathetic? I really am sick of the way I am and I need to change. And I plan to.
This summer is going to be one of change. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. And there are some simple steps I need to take;
1. Get organised for next year. Write up notes. Read all the books I need to. Do what the teachers asked me to over summer. And do it ASAP.
2. Get in shape. I'm sick of being all worried and stressed over my body and how I look. So I'm going to get fit and actually happy with how I am and comfortable with my body.
3. Spend time getting to know myself properly and be happy with myself.
4. Change my look. I'm not 100% happy with who I am and how I look, but I'm gonna stop bitching about that and actually change and make it that I'm happy.
5. Concentrate on my friends and family. Granny's in and out of hospital so she needs me. Luke's having trouble with people in school so he needs me. And I love my friends and in adolesence we always need one another.
6. Actually ENJOY my summer. I always worry about the year to come and I never live in the present. I need to live in the present sometimes.
7. Love myself. Because I am worth it. I am worth a whole lot and I am a great person and I finally understand that and believe it.
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