Slowly Recovering

Well, there have been a lot of changes in my life lately.

Again.

The summer just seems to change my life as frequently as the Irish weather changes. My outlook on life, the person that I feel I am becoming-I don't quite know where I am in life. But getting there is slowly becoming easier.

Although there have been shaky situations. There have been moments and situations that have knocked me off this positive road that I seem to be on. One time, last week I felt worse than I have in a very long time. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to move. At one stage I didn't even want to breathe. I got to a point where all I did was lie in the dark and refuse to talk to anyone. Everything set me off in tears. A wrong look. A careless remark. I didn't know what was wrong. And I felt like nobody cared.

That's the worst thing that happens when I get into my depressed state. Despite all the friends and family and support I have all I want to do is hide from them all. I never believe anything they tell me when I'm like this. I can't. I just focus on the black moments. The times when I haven't been able to talk to anyone or when I have lost people I have loved.

And that is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

But then, last week, when I was feeling the most hopeless I have for a long time, a magical thing happened. My friends showed me that, yes, I am loved. And thank you so much guys.

Thank you to the old friend who has been there for me so much and kept texting me to ask what was wrong, even when I stopped replying.

Thank you to the friend who gave me the space I needed and then contacted me the next morning to cheer me up.

Thank you to the friend who went out of her way to call me and make sure I was okay and brought a smile to my face for the first time that day.

Thank you guys so much.

The thing that gets to me, though, and sends me spiralling even deeper is my dependency on people. I absolutely adore my friends. They are amazing people and I love having them in my life. But for a time I felt I was achieving more independence again. I felt like I was able to handle things on my own and being on my own.

One thing I really don't like about myself is this:

I'm not happy on my own. I can't be in my own company without becoming down and depressed and upset. It's one aspect of my character that I really do want to change. Because I am a wonderful person and if everyone else is happy in my company, I should be too.

But then again, I spent a few days chilling at home this week and I've been smiling for most of the day. Certain things still get me down. And maybe they always will. Perhaps there are some things and people that I will never get fully over no matter what my intentions and outlook are. But that's gonna be part of me, I guess. Every decision I have made lately and in my entire life are and I just have to live with that and remind myself constantly that I am still loved and still a wonderful person. It's gonna take a long time, but I realize these things about myself and my life and everything is definitely going to be better from this moment on.


I hope....