Well I haven't blogged in a long time due to a mix of the destruction of my laptop and my brother's obsession with World of Warcraft.
A lot has changed in my life since I last blogged. A relationship that made me deliriously happy has disintegrated around me (mainly due to faults of my own) resulting in me becomeing even more of an emotional wreck than I was before.
I will be the first to admit that I fall in love too easily. That fads come and go in my life and for a brief period of time I become obsessed with one thing and it becomes the be all and end all of my very being (a prime example of this is Glee and me staying up all night to watch all the episodes). Fads come and go in my life. And this, unfortunately translates to my relationships with people.
I am not one for keeping friends. I find it extremely difficult. A lot of it isto do with the desperation I have ofthen found in life. I am alone so much of my life that once I finally gel with someone I kind of refuse to let go of them and revert to the clingy "let's be BFFLs and do EVERYTHING together!"
Time has taught me that these relationships don't work and I have been working on discovering new people and trying to balance friendships in a group rather than on the harsh one to one basis that I am used to. I feel like I am progressing to some degree and it does make me happier, in a certain way.
From the aspect of guys, however. Well, let's just say thta one of the greatest guys I'll ever know has basically left my life and it is entirely my own fault. Previous relationships have never left me this wrecked. This upset. This...scarred. I really felt that something was there and through my overreactions and my desperation and my want for something more, something that, at this time, could not be delivered the exact way I wanted, I lost it. And this is one thing I feel I will never be forgiven for.
I don't sleep anymore. I barely eat. I feel myself draining away, almost slipping away. People keep telling me I did the right thing and reassuring me that it was all the way it should be, but I must admit I don't feel it.
It has been a beautiful week, glorious in fact. Something that we rarely see in Ireland, save for the two weeks in September when we return to school after three weeks of "summer holiday" rain. But I haven't appreciated it fully. I've been hiding in my room revisiting good times in magical worlds before I realized that there was a difference in boys and girls. I have been trying to keep myself busy. Trying to study until my brain is fried just to forget all of this. The devil makes work of idle hands and perhaps if I am able to forget all this hurt will go away. But it doesn't work. All I know is I've spent the last three weeks crying myself to sleep every night.
Yet I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be brooding. I have friends. There are people who want to see me, want to know me and spend time with me. I have places to go and people to go with to those places. I should be happy that finally I have these things to the degree that I've always wanted. I have people texting ME to talk, rather than always the other way round. I run into people in town and they seem happy to see me. They're happy to stop and talk. I have never really experienced this fully...
And not only is it new people, but old people too! I'm revisiting old relationships that I thought were dead and gone, only to discover that I was actually missed.
I know that nobody probably reads this thing, but to be able to express this feels so good. All of this has been locked in my heart for so long. I know I have made some mistakes when it comes to relationships, but right now. At this moment. When it comes to my friends, at least, I think I'm doing okay.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
My New Agenda
Okay, this is final. I have decided. I am going to stop. I will stop doing things for other people just to try to get in their good books. To try and get them to like me. To try and hold onto the few friendships that I have. From now on I'm going to try my absolute hardest to do things for me. Because I AM a good person and I AM worth it.
I know this might sound incredibly egotistical, but trust me, this could not be further from the truth. It has taken me so long to realise that I have as much of a right as anybody else to be alive. To be happy to be me. And I should stop apologising for my existance.
How was I ever to know that I am an alright person when I've spent years thinking that I was an excuse for a human being? That I was so ostricised from the society and culture around me. From a young age I realised I thought differently about things and reacted in different ways than the people around me did. I matured in many ways, but I was, have been, and probably always will be inept in many many other basic ways.
But now I realise that that is okay.
For years I've been chasing a rainbow filled with 7 unreachable goals; perfection, worldwide acceptance, complete control, a world away from jealously, hibernation, flawless beauty and complete understanding of everything around me. I now accept that I will never reach these things. I may still try-it's something in me that I'm afraid may never fade, but I can work on them. I can be less focused on them and spend more time being me and being happy with me and what I have and the world around me.
I must stop focusing on the negative when there's so much positive in my life.
I'm a good kid. I'm smart enough and not too hard on the eyes neither. I have a loving family who provide me with whatever they can. I have friends, even if I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to, I'm good at sports and singing and drawing, I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything and who seems to love me for the crazy mess that I am, I'm a writer. An observer. I might always be on the edge of life-not quite involved, but no matter what I will still be most notably there and everyone will know.
I know this might sound incredibly egotistical, but trust me, this could not be further from the truth. It has taken me so long to realise that I have as much of a right as anybody else to be alive. To be happy to be me. And I should stop apologising for my existance.
How was I ever to know that I am an alright person when I've spent years thinking that I was an excuse for a human being? That I was so ostricised from the society and culture around me. From a young age I realised I thought differently about things and reacted in different ways than the people around me did. I matured in many ways, but I was, have been, and probably always will be inept in many many other basic ways.
But now I realise that that is okay.
For years I've been chasing a rainbow filled with 7 unreachable goals; perfection, worldwide acceptance, complete control, a world away from jealously, hibernation, flawless beauty and complete understanding of everything around me. I now accept that I will never reach these things. I may still try-it's something in me that I'm afraid may never fade, but I can work on them. I can be less focused on them and spend more time being me and being happy with me and what I have and the world around me.
I must stop focusing on the negative when there's so much positive in my life.
I'm a good kid. I'm smart enough and not too hard on the eyes neither. I have a loving family who provide me with whatever they can. I have friends, even if I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to, I'm good at sports and singing and drawing, I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything and who seems to love me for the crazy mess that I am, I'm a writer. An observer. I might always be on the edge of life-not quite involved, but no matter what I will still be most notably there and everyone will know.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Ice Age 4: I'm feckin' freezing!
Okay, so I know that I can't be the only one who's getting sick of the snow. And I feel bad about it. At first I frigging loved the snow. On New Years Eve when it started snowing the hour before midnight the family were all out playing in it with the friendly drunks walking up to the pub. I begged my father to let us go outside and 'frolic in the white stuff'.
But now I am absolutely. Positively. Sick. Of. It!
I've been out in it. I've done the snowball fights and the chasing. The shoving snow down each others clothes. The snowmen. The slippery walks. The frozen hands. The chattering teeth. The soaked clothes. The sneezing. The shivering.
Snow comes but once a year. Well this year it doesn't seem to want to leave.
I love it for the entire 'no school' aspect of it. I was dreading going back to that... *shudders* hell hole. Especially to get my Christmas report. But because of the snow we can't go anywhere. My horseriding was cancelled last week and the same will probably happen this week. All my friends seem to be in the most remote parts of the city, so I can't reach them. The buses have become even more unreliable than usual so I can't depend on them to go anywhere. The car's windshield has cracked because of the pressure of the snow, so that's not in use. Plans, such as the panto my family have been planning to go to for six months, one of our Christmas traditions, has had to have been put on hold. And I am completely sick of people throwing snow at my face or down my tops. And having to wear so many layers and looking like a marshmallow.
And why?
Because Ireland is not used to dealing with this situation. Because we are not capable or ready for the new ice age that we seem to be entering into.
I usually love the snow-but not this much of it. Everytime someone leaves a house, or that we hear they're travelling there's worry. Everytime someone steps outside they become an icicle or fall on the ice or-I dunno. We have to conserve water and some places now have no heat. Ireland's weather is normally horrible-how could they not be ready for this?
We're entering a world where hibernation would probably be the best solution.
...So if you want me I'll be curled up in bed in my pjs with a hot water bottle. Wake me up when the snow has melted.
But now I am absolutely. Positively. Sick. Of. It!
I've been out in it. I've done the snowball fights and the chasing. The shoving snow down each others clothes. The snowmen. The slippery walks. The frozen hands. The chattering teeth. The soaked clothes. The sneezing. The shivering.
Snow comes but once a year. Well this year it doesn't seem to want to leave.
I love it for the entire 'no school' aspect of it. I was dreading going back to that... *shudders* hell hole. Especially to get my Christmas report. But because of the snow we can't go anywhere. My horseriding was cancelled last week and the same will probably happen this week. All my friends seem to be in the most remote parts of the city, so I can't reach them. The buses have become even more unreliable than usual so I can't depend on them to go anywhere. The car's windshield has cracked because of the pressure of the snow, so that's not in use. Plans, such as the panto my family have been planning to go to for six months, one of our Christmas traditions, has had to have been put on hold. And I am completely sick of people throwing snow at my face or down my tops. And having to wear so many layers and looking like a marshmallow.
And why?
Because Ireland is not used to dealing with this situation. Because we are not capable or ready for the new ice age that we seem to be entering into.
I usually love the snow-but not this much of it. Everytime someone leaves a house, or that we hear they're travelling there's worry. Everytime someone steps outside they become an icicle or fall on the ice or-I dunno. We have to conserve water and some places now have no heat. Ireland's weather is normally horrible-how could they not be ready for this?
We're entering a world where hibernation would probably be the best solution.
...So if you want me I'll be curled up in bed in my pjs with a hot water bottle. Wake me up when the snow has melted.
Friday, December 4, 2009
New Study Technique: Don't
Okay, so the Christmas exams are coming up soon. Starting on the 15th. My god, this snuck up fast this year. I really can't believe that it's 3 weeks til Christmas. I need to get my act together. Soon!
So I'm pretty mucch dreading the exams. They're going to be extremely horrible this year. I'm not organised. Studying keeps being put off because I'm always too tired to do anything productive that I'll actually remember. Most days I veg out when I come home from school. And not just because of how lazy I am. Oh no no no. I am motivated. I will get through this. But I don't sleep. I hardly eat. I'm not interested in school and struggling to keep up with what we're doing anymore. It's too dull. Too repetitive. Too boring.
The teachers are all telling me different things. Some say I should be studying more. Some say less. Some say try new methods. Others say to stay with what I'm doing. I really have no idea who to listen to.
Then in the classes themselves. I'm distracted. I can't listen properly. I either have a pen and paper in my hand and I'm doodling or I'm trying to catch up on the homework that I hadn't heard about the night before or I'm just so tired after another night of no sleep that I can't concentrate. The other day I was in French class. I was doing everything I could to pay attention. And I just couldn't. I had heard everything the teacher said to me. I had even taken down some notes based on it. But nothing registered with me.
For he first time in my life I am really struggling with school.
And I don't understand why.
Was it TY? Did it really have such a detrimental effect on me? After a year of slacking off have I become a lazy slob who isn't motivated to do anything? Have I become complacent?
I don't think I have. I still have the same goals. I'm just mentally being effected worse. The looming Leaving Cert (even if it IS basically 2 years away) is constantly at the back of my mind, reminding me that my future will be decided for me.
Of course, I know my entire life and future isn't completely based on how I do in a few tests. The LC is bad enough, but then I'll be going through test after test, exam after exam, assignment after assignment in college.
Maybe I'm not as set on college as I thought I was. Maybe I'm not ready.
There are people all around me asking me what I want to do. And I know. I want to write. I want to be shut off from the world for days at a time and just write to my heart's content. Spend my days putting ideas, thoughts, ramblings-everything that pops into my head on paper. I would be so happy to spend my life like that.
But, of course, I can't.
No, life has way too many realities for me that I'm all too aware of. So many good writers never become successful because of their PR (and then there are pure CRAP writers like Stephenie Meyer and her vomit of a series of books) and I don't want to be out there. Despite my apparent confidence and outer shell I just want to shy away from the world. I want a family and a way to keep them happy healthy and safe. I want a career that will never bore me. I want a few close friends. And I want to be financially secure. That's it.
Is that alot?
So obviously I can't just hide away and write. So I guess I'll have to get a proper job.
But what?
All I know, really, is that I want to get a degree in drama and English Lit. That's it. I'll get that then go forward from there, I guess.
I have a good idea of what I want from life. And I'm horribly aware that I'm not experiencing any of it. I know I'm only 17 and I've plenty of time to worry and do whatever I want, but I'm becoming too used to being happy in my comfort zone.
I don't want that.
I don't want a life of worrying and sitting in front of a screen. I don't want to be constantly attatched to a phone. I know I am at the moment and I hate myself for it. If I develop these habits now how am I going to be able to break them when I'm older?
Death's been previlent on my mind alot lately. My dreams are constantly based on humanity's extinction or my own demise. It's disturbing and something that I know I will never be able to fully face. Or accept. I don't want to leave this world and just not be anymore. How could I be here one moment and then the next I'm not? I don't want to think about it.
Everytime I close my eyes I feel myself fading away...
Ha, who'd have thought this had started off as a blog post on how much I hate studying?
So I'm pretty mucch dreading the exams. They're going to be extremely horrible this year. I'm not organised. Studying keeps being put off because I'm always too tired to do anything productive that I'll actually remember. Most days I veg out when I come home from school. And not just because of how lazy I am. Oh no no no. I am motivated. I will get through this. But I don't sleep. I hardly eat. I'm not interested in school and struggling to keep up with what we're doing anymore. It's too dull. Too repetitive. Too boring.
The teachers are all telling me different things. Some say I should be studying more. Some say less. Some say try new methods. Others say to stay with what I'm doing. I really have no idea who to listen to.
Then in the classes themselves. I'm distracted. I can't listen properly. I either have a pen and paper in my hand and I'm doodling or I'm trying to catch up on the homework that I hadn't heard about the night before or I'm just so tired after another night of no sleep that I can't concentrate. The other day I was in French class. I was doing everything I could to pay attention. And I just couldn't. I had heard everything the teacher said to me. I had even taken down some notes based on it. But nothing registered with me.
For he first time in my life I am really struggling with school.
And I don't understand why.
Was it TY? Did it really have such a detrimental effect on me? After a year of slacking off have I become a lazy slob who isn't motivated to do anything? Have I become complacent?
I don't think I have. I still have the same goals. I'm just mentally being effected worse. The looming Leaving Cert (even if it IS basically 2 years away) is constantly at the back of my mind, reminding me that my future will be decided for me.
Of course, I know my entire life and future isn't completely based on how I do in a few tests. The LC is bad enough, but then I'll be going through test after test, exam after exam, assignment after assignment in college.
Maybe I'm not as set on college as I thought I was. Maybe I'm not ready.
There are people all around me asking me what I want to do. And I know. I want to write. I want to be shut off from the world for days at a time and just write to my heart's content. Spend my days putting ideas, thoughts, ramblings-everything that pops into my head on paper. I would be so happy to spend my life like that.
But, of course, I can't.
No, life has way too many realities for me that I'm all too aware of. So many good writers never become successful because of their PR (and then there are pure CRAP writers like Stephenie Meyer and her vomit of a series of books) and I don't want to be out there. Despite my apparent confidence and outer shell I just want to shy away from the world. I want a family and a way to keep them happy healthy and safe. I want a career that will never bore me. I want a few close friends. And I want to be financially secure. That's it.
Is that alot?
So obviously I can't just hide away and write. So I guess I'll have to get a proper job.
But what?
All I know, really, is that I want to get a degree in drama and English Lit. That's it. I'll get that then go forward from there, I guess.
I have a good idea of what I want from life. And I'm horribly aware that I'm not experiencing any of it. I know I'm only 17 and I've plenty of time to worry and do whatever I want, but I'm becoming too used to being happy in my comfort zone.
I don't want that.
I don't want a life of worrying and sitting in front of a screen. I don't want to be constantly attatched to a phone. I know I am at the moment and I hate myself for it. If I develop these habits now how am I going to be able to break them when I'm older?
Death's been previlent on my mind alot lately. My dreams are constantly based on humanity's extinction or my own demise. It's disturbing and something that I know I will never be able to fully face. Or accept. I don't want to leave this world and just not be anymore. How could I be here one moment and then the next I'm not? I don't want to think about it.
Everytime I close my eyes I feel myself fading away...
Ha, who'd have thought this had started off as a blog post on how much I hate studying?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Random Mixture of Random Ramblings
I think that it's safe to say that alot has changed in my life since the last time that I posted anything. Alot of it is for the better. Actually all of it is. I promised myself that I would stop doubting myself, stop regretting things that cannot be changed. And shouldn't be changed. Cause my life would be all suckish if I changed it. I love my life.
Just sometimes it's hard to remember that.
I guess I've just been repressing alot of emotions and worries lately. We're back in the routine of schoolm, and yet I'm still craving summer. The leaves are changing. The most beautiful shades. Everytime I look out the window I see a masterpiece in the making. I wish I had more time to paint...
Fifth year is draining me. Completely and totally. If I'm not busy with homework or study I'm worrying about it all. I hate this so much. I feel like it's some sort of parasytic being just draining me of everything. Like that thing that was on Warehouse 13 last night (I may be swamped, but I still have time for tv).
Well, since I last blogged, one relationship took a new... direction. It's best for us all, I really think so. And I hope that he will eventually forgive me. He says he does-I don't know though.
Okay! Change of mood!
I'm too depressed to be concentrating on the doom and gloom that's been going on in my life. Gotta start thinking about the good things (and there are plenty of those).
Well... The Cavan lads and St. Paul's girls have formed a bond of awesomeness that twill be damned near impossible to break. Hanging in town and meeting/not REALLY meeting cause we ran off, Ozzy Osbourne was epic day to the max. Thanks guys, I love ya'll.
Then there's Dec's 18th pokernight. That was one pretty amazing night (the night of the Moodle reunion coincidently. Great day...). Had lots of fun and met a/some extra awesome guy(s). ;)
I have also become even more obsessed with Japanese pop music/anime. It's kinda sad. And English Lit. raps. And crazy videos on Youtube. I actually just spend my evenings browsing YouTube. Cause I'm sad like that (Y).
MC Lars, Lemon Demon... YES!!! XD
Also web comics. I (L) them with a firely passion now. Still reading my favourites; XKCD, CtrlAltDel, Cyanide and Happiness-but also started reading Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. And writing my own. Which kinda suck, but the effort's there.
The Guild. I've been watching alot of thet... It's good, but I do NOT look like the chick in it. Codex is hotter than me ;)
Chicks who people say I look like, but who I clearly DON'T look like:
Just sometimes it's hard to remember that.
I guess I've just been repressing alot of emotions and worries lately. We're back in the routine of schoolm, and yet I'm still craving summer. The leaves are changing. The most beautiful shades. Everytime I look out the window I see a masterpiece in the making. I wish I had more time to paint...
Fifth year is draining me. Completely and totally. If I'm not busy with homework or study I'm worrying about it all. I hate this so much. I feel like it's some sort of parasytic being just draining me of everything. Like that thing that was on Warehouse 13 last night (I may be swamped, but I still have time for tv).
Well, since I last blogged, one relationship took a new... direction. It's best for us all, I really think so. And I hope that he will eventually forgive me. He says he does-I don't know though.
Okay! Change of mood!
I'm too depressed to be concentrating on the doom and gloom that's been going on in my life. Gotta start thinking about the good things (and there are plenty of those).
Well... The Cavan lads and St. Paul's girls have formed a bond of awesomeness that twill be damned near impossible to break. Hanging in town and meeting/not REALLY meeting cause we ran off, Ozzy Osbourne was epic day to the max. Thanks guys, I love ya'll.
Then there's Dec's 18th pokernight. That was one pretty amazing night (the night of the Moodle reunion coincidently. Great day...). Had lots of fun and met a/some extra awesome guy(s). ;)
I have also become even more obsessed with Japanese pop music/anime. It's kinda sad. And English Lit. raps. And crazy videos on Youtube. I actually just spend my evenings browsing YouTube. Cause I'm sad like that (Y).
MC Lars, Lemon Demon... YES!!! XD
Also web comics. I (L) them with a firely passion now. Still reading my favourites; XKCD, CtrlAltDel, Cyanide and Happiness-but also started reading Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. And writing my own. Which kinda suck, but the effort's there.
The Guild. I've been watching alot of thet... It's good, but I do NOT look like the chick in it. Codex is hotter than me ;)
Chicks who people say I look like, but who I clearly DON'T look like:
- Yer wan from Twilight
- Emma Watson (Hermonie Granger in Harry Potter)
- Amy Adams (The princess in Enchanted)
- Hayley Williams (from Paramore)
- and now Codex from the Guild
This list will probably grow... It always seems to.
Granddad, I'm missing you lots and you've been on my mind more than ever lately...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My Life in Colours... Today's colour: Red
Red. This font is for all the anger and frustration I currently feel. Why? Why not? Anger is a fundemental part of our lives, we all have to try to learn to accept it and let it be a part of us. Do not let it take us over, but cherish the moments we live without it, and use the ones where we must endure.
Also my hair is kinda red ^^
Frustration. >.<>
i'm not asking for too much. At least I don't think I am. I just want to have what so many other teenagers already have.
And it seems to be SO EASY for them! I don't understand why! They gossip about each other, they fight, they get on each other's nerves-but they're still there for each other at the end of the day!
I try to be nice. And friendly. And actually INTERESTED in what they have to say or any problems that they might have. I take them on board (which, I've found, most people don't do). It doesn't help. It just means it seems like I'm happy to be walked all over.
Well let me tell you something:
I'M NOT /
Also my hair is kinda red ^^
Frustration. >.<>
i'm not asking for too much. At least I don't think I am. I just want to have what so many other teenagers already have.
And it seems to be SO EASY for them! I don't understand why! They gossip about each other, they fight, they get on each other's nerves-but they're still there for each other at the end of the day!
I try to be nice. And friendly. And actually INTERESTED in what they have to say or any problems that they might have. I take them on board (which, I've found, most people don't do). It doesn't help. It just means it seems like I'm happy to be walked all over.
Well let me tell you something:
I'M NOT /
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A Day in the Life of Me
Well, we can definitely say that today had its ups and its downs. As anyone who has been reading this knows very well I was back in school at the start of the week. I'm in two minds about all this. Well, to be honest, several;
Mind 1. It's 5th year. TY has completely destroyed my study skills and I am not at all used to doing homework or tests-even worse than normal. Generally, after the summer I feel some small level of relief because of the little amounts of homework, but this year it just seems like such a large amount. It's bizarre!
Mind 2. It's 5th year. That means that the Leaving Cert is next year and I am getting sick and tired of listening to all the teachers going on and on and on and on and on and on (yeah, you get the idea) about how this is "The most important exam you will ever take." Okay, we get it. We've all been thinking the same thing ever since we heard about it.
But honestly, is it?
Yes, getting a place in college or university does have alot to do with getting the required points so you can do the courses that you want to do, but that's only one part of it, really. The interview and your CEO seems to have just as much to do with your placement. Besides, college/uni is only a stepping stone to getting your degree. Surely the final exam you do in college which desides if you are able to get your degree is more important than you Leaving? It makes alot more sense to me.
Everyday is a test. Each one is as important as the last.
Mind 3. There are alot of people who I haven't seen during the summer so it's cool to catch up with all the girls and what they've been up to and all that sort of thing. I don't do that often so I guess it's good.
Mind 4. There are even more people I do not want to see around the place. I don't see why I should spend so much time around people who make me feel uncomfortable.
Mind 5. I've gotten basically all the teachers I wanted and I get to do almost all of the subjects I wanted to do. Which pwns!
But yeah... Back to everything today. That was what I had wanted to talk about.
Well classes were interesting. In many different ways. I don't think I'll ever grow to care Religion class, no matter how the teachers try to teach me. I have too many opinions that aren't really appreciated in a Catholic school.
People are... Gossipy. Bitchy. Back-stabby. Choose whatever word you want, that's how you can describe girls. I miss the summer. There was no drama, no pointless problems that we all create to seem interesting or whatever.
So yeah. Today I have discovered the joy of crying in the rain and not caring.
It looked fine enough out, despite the fact that there were sudden showers all day so I didn't bring my coat or umbrella. I was about 10 minutes away from my house when the heavens opened. It was quite shocking. But oddly calming. I was well and truly drenched. My uniform had changed to black from green. By schoolbag was soaked and so were all mu books. But I felt alone and calm and happy. So I cried. I let go of all the tension and worries that had been in my head and I let them out. I ignored the people giving me odd looks while they scurried home. I took my time. My walk home from school is one of the only times I have to myself when I know there's nothing else I could be doing. It's something I have to do, but in a good way. I can't be studying, I can't be cleaning. I need to walk and I can just let my thoughts wander, relax and listen to my iPod. I had loads of work today. I wasn't going to let the moment pass.
I became incredibly upset for no reason when I arrived home. I guess I was just shocked that I had let so much go. Or something. Maybe I was tired after the hectic week with all the changes going on. Maybe I had been pushing all the things to do with my granddad to the back of my head and I wasn't finished mourning. I know I'm not, but maybe it's more than I thought.
My heads a jumble of French, Irish, maths and about fifty million other things. I guess I'm just trying to sort it all out and gseeing it infront of you really is the best way to do that.
Sorry for the messyness. I promise something more coherient (?) the next time.
Granddad I love you.
Granddad you're gone.
Grandad we miss you.
Don't leave me.
<3
Mind 1. It's 5th year. TY has completely destroyed my study skills and I am not at all used to doing homework or tests-even worse than normal. Generally, after the summer I feel some small level of relief because of the little amounts of homework, but this year it just seems like such a large amount. It's bizarre!
Mind 2. It's 5th year. That means that the Leaving Cert is next year and I am getting sick and tired of listening to all the teachers going on and on and on and on and on and on (yeah, you get the idea) about how this is "The most important exam you will ever take." Okay, we get it. We've all been thinking the same thing ever since we heard about it.
But honestly, is it?
Yes, getting a place in college or university does have alot to do with getting the required points so you can do the courses that you want to do, but that's only one part of it, really. The interview and your CEO seems to have just as much to do with your placement. Besides, college/uni is only a stepping stone to getting your degree. Surely the final exam you do in college which desides if you are able to get your degree is more important than you Leaving? It makes alot more sense to me.
Everyday is a test. Each one is as important as the last.
Mind 3. There are alot of people who I haven't seen during the summer so it's cool to catch up with all the girls and what they've been up to and all that sort of thing. I don't do that often so I guess it's good.
Mind 4. There are even more people I do not want to see around the place. I don't see why I should spend so much time around people who make me feel uncomfortable.
Mind 5. I've gotten basically all the teachers I wanted and I get to do almost all of the subjects I wanted to do. Which pwns!
But yeah... Back to everything today. That was what I had wanted to talk about.
Well classes were interesting. In many different ways. I don't think I'll ever grow to care Religion class, no matter how the teachers try to teach me. I have too many opinions that aren't really appreciated in a Catholic school.
People are... Gossipy. Bitchy. Back-stabby. Choose whatever word you want, that's how you can describe girls. I miss the summer. There was no drama, no pointless problems that we all create to seem interesting or whatever.
So yeah. Today I have discovered the joy of crying in the rain and not caring.
It looked fine enough out, despite the fact that there were sudden showers all day so I didn't bring my coat or umbrella. I was about 10 minutes away from my house when the heavens opened. It was quite shocking. But oddly calming. I was well and truly drenched. My uniform had changed to black from green. By schoolbag was soaked and so were all mu books. But I felt alone and calm and happy. So I cried. I let go of all the tension and worries that had been in my head and I let them out. I ignored the people giving me odd looks while they scurried home. I took my time. My walk home from school is one of the only times I have to myself when I know there's nothing else I could be doing. It's something I have to do, but in a good way. I can't be studying, I can't be cleaning. I need to walk and I can just let my thoughts wander, relax and listen to my iPod. I had loads of work today. I wasn't going to let the moment pass.
I became incredibly upset for no reason when I arrived home. I guess I was just shocked that I had let so much go. Or something. Maybe I was tired after the hectic week with all the changes going on. Maybe I had been pushing all the things to do with my granddad to the back of my head and I wasn't finished mourning. I know I'm not, but maybe it's more than I thought.
My heads a jumble of French, Irish, maths and about fifty million other things. I guess I'm just trying to sort it all out and gseeing it infront of you really is the best way to do that.
Sorry for the messyness. I promise something more coherient (?) the next time.
Granddad I love you.
Granddad you're gone.
Grandad we miss you.
Don't leave me.
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
