New Study Technique: Don't

Okay, so the Christmas exams are coming up soon. Starting on the 15th. My god, this snuck up fast this year. I really can't believe that it's 3 weeks til Christmas. I need to get my act together. Soon!

So I'm pretty mucch dreading the exams. They're going to be extremely horrible this year. I'm not organised. Studying keeps being put off because I'm always too tired to do anything productive that I'll actually remember. Most days I veg out when I come home from school. And not just because of how lazy I am. Oh no no no. I am motivated. I will get through this. But I don't sleep. I hardly eat. I'm not interested in school and struggling to keep up with what we're doing anymore. It's too dull. Too repetitive. Too boring.

The teachers are all telling me different things. Some say I should be studying more. Some say less. Some say try new methods. Others say to stay with what I'm doing. I really have no idea who to listen to.

Then in the classes themselves. I'm distracted. I can't listen properly. I either have a pen and paper in my hand and I'm doodling or I'm trying to catch up on the homework that I hadn't heard about the night before or I'm just so tired after another night of no sleep that I can't concentrate. The other day I was in French class. I was doing everything I could to pay attention. And I just couldn't. I had heard everything the teacher said to me. I had even taken down some notes based on it. But nothing registered with me.

For he first time in my life I am really struggling with school.

And I don't understand why.

Was it TY? Did it really have such a detrimental effect on me? After a year of slacking off have I become a lazy slob who isn't motivated to do anything? Have I become complacent?

I don't think I have. I still have the same goals. I'm just mentally being effected worse. The looming Leaving Cert (even if it IS basically 2 years away) is constantly at the back of my mind, reminding me that my future will be decided for me.

Of course, I know my entire life and future isn't completely based on how I do in a few tests. The LC is bad enough, but then I'll be going through test after test, exam after exam, assignment after assignment in college.

Maybe I'm not as set on college as I thought I was. Maybe I'm not ready.

There are people all around me asking me what I want to do. And I know. I want to write. I want to be shut off from the world for days at a time and just write to my heart's content. Spend my days putting ideas, thoughts, ramblings-everything that pops into my head on paper. I would be so happy to spend my life like that.

But, of course, I can't.

No, life has way too many realities for me that I'm all too aware of. So many good writers never become successful because of their PR (and then there are pure CRAP writers like Stephenie Meyer and her vomit of a series of books) and I don't want to be out there. Despite my apparent confidence and outer shell I just want to shy away from the world. I want a family and a way to keep them happy healthy and safe. I want a career that will never bore me. I want a few close friends. And I want to be financially secure. That's it.

Is that alot?

So obviously I can't just hide away and write. So I guess I'll have to get a proper job.

But what?

All I know, really, is that I want to get a degree in drama and English Lit. That's it. I'll get that then go forward from there, I guess.

I have a good idea of what I want from life. And I'm horribly aware that I'm not experiencing any of it. I know I'm only 17 and I've plenty of time to worry and do whatever I want, but I'm becoming too used to being happy in my comfort zone.

I don't want that.

I don't want a life of worrying and sitting in front of a screen. I don't want to be constantly attatched to a phone. I know I am at the moment and I hate myself for it. If I develop these habits now how am I going to be able to break them when I'm older?

Death's been previlent on my mind alot lately. My dreams are constantly based on humanity's extinction or my own demise. It's disturbing and something that I know I will never be able to fully face. Or accept. I don't want to leave this world and just not be anymore. How could I be here one moment and then the next I'm not? I don't want to think about it.

Everytime I close my eyes I feel myself fading away...

Ha, who'd have thought this had started off as a blog post on how much I hate studying?