My New Agenda

Okay, this is final. I have decided. I am going to stop. I will stop doing things for other people just to try to get in their good books. To try and get them to like me. To try and hold onto the few friendships that I have. From now on I'm going to try my absolute hardest to do things for me. Because I AM a good person and I AM worth it.

I know this might sound incredibly egotistical, but trust me, this could not be further from the truth. It has taken me so long to realise that I have as much of a right as anybody else to be alive. To be happy to be me. And I should stop apologising for my existance.

How was I ever to know that I am an alright person when I've spent years thinking that I was an excuse for a human being? That I was so ostricised from the society and culture around me. From a young age I realised I thought differently about things and reacted in different ways than the people around me did. I matured in many ways, but I was, have been, and probably always will be inept in many many other basic ways.

But now I realise that that is okay.

For years I've been chasing a rainbow filled with 7 unreachable goals; perfection, worldwide acceptance, complete control, a world away from jealously, hibernation, flawless beauty and complete understanding of everything around me. I now accept that I will never reach these things. I may still try-it's something in me that I'm afraid may never fade, but I can work on them. I can be less focused on them and spend more time being me and being happy with me and what I have and the world around me.

I must stop focusing on the negative when there's so much positive in my life.

I'm a good kid. I'm smart enough and not too hard on the eyes neither. I have a loving family who provide me with whatever they can. I have friends, even if I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to, I'm good at sports and singing and drawing, I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything and who seems to love me for the crazy mess that I am, I'm a writer. An observer. I might always be on the edge of life-not quite involved, but no matter what I will still be most notably there and everyone will know.