Turns Out

Decided to check out your page, see how you were doing.
Turns out you're doing better than me.

Decided to look at something I really shouldn''t have.
Turns out I'll never be able to forget.

Decided to relive past conversations.
Turns out I'm not as mature as I thought I was.

Decided to look at old texts.
Turns out you're making better progress than me.

Decided to try and block out the hurt.
Turns out it's becoming impossible.

Decided I was wrong.
Turns out I had been all along.

Falling Slowly

Recently a book I'd been longing to read for quite a while arrived in the post. Actually two copies of it arrived. Before Christmas my mom had ordered two hardback, first editions of 'I Shall Wear Midnight' by Terry Pratchett. He is one of our favourite authors who I met at last year's Irish Discworld Convention. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and as such his last book, 'Unseen Academicals', was not, let's say, his best work.

The arrival of the package was both a surprise and a blessing. It was just after Christmas and we were at that stage between Christmas and New Years Eve when nothing much is happening. All I planned on doing was sit at the computer and go on Facebook. But then the postman delivered something wonderful.

The book had been released back in September, but I had promised my mother to wait to buy and read it. She wanted to get it for Christmas and so I said okay. I wasn't expecting too much, to be honest, if his last book was anything to go by. He is a brilliant man with a fantastic mind and his work is amazing. But the last book just didn't seem to gel or move as well as previous ones had. All geniuses are allowed a dud I guess.

'I Shall Wear Mdnight' began as I thought it would judging on the previous work. It was a little slow and difficult to get into. However, as I progressed and delved deeper I rediscovered this brilliant mind that had brought me so much joy and companionship over the years.

I startd reading his books when I was around 8 or 9. I'm 18 now and rereading those words and ideas just hit me the same way as they ever did. When I read his new books, once again I am a little kid discovering new fantastical worlds. Once again I was totally engrossed in the story. I wanted to know what would happen. was scared at all the right bits. I saw what was coming, yet was still shocked when it did. I fell in love with the characters and cried along with them, both at happy times and sad.

Reading this book brought me back. It really hit me. I know I am one who cries a lot. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm tired. I cry when I miss people. I cry when I'm happy. I cry at certain thoughts. I cry at movies. And songs. And books.

All these open up new parts of us. New ways of thinking and seeing the world around us. If we don't break down and cry and release at some point, especially for little things, how ar we going to for the big things or be able to help other people.

How will we be able to help ourselves?

I'm not the best when it comes to my emotions. I try to control them, but sometimes I get lost along the way. But crying is something I am good at. And I thank the wold for every single tear I've ever shed. All they've done is help me in life. And I hope to cry more and more in the future.

Some Quirks..

I think it has been established a long long time ago that I am neither the most normal nor sane person in the universe. I have quite a few odd habits, but a conversation with a good friend inspired me to write about one in particular:

I like to name my electronics after fictional characters.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, slightly odd, and specific, but what started it all? Well my mother used to joke about naming her cars. We have two, both are red so one is Little Red and the other Big Red. The one beforehand was Big Mama.

So I decided to take up the tradition and begin to name my electronic posessions. Since I don't have a car, I just began naming everything.

My phone's name is Severus. It had been having a fling with my iPod touch (Lily) until she fell and now has three large scratches along her screen. Upon falling she also had a sex change and was renamed Bill (as a tribute to the scars her received after fighting Fenrir Greyback). Neddless to say their relationship ceased. HOWEVER when I updated my iPod I had been searching for Harry Potter artwork on deviantart and foolishly typed Severus into iTunes and now that is my iPod's name. It's quite confusing so I just let them get on with things at this stage. Perhaps one can be book Severus and the other A Very Potter Musical Severus.

My laptop is named Codex after the character the AMAZING Felicia Day plays in the Guild. This is mainly due to the fact that I became OBSESSED with the show again before getting the laptop. I also covered her in J!nx stickers. And she is red. It seemed fitting.

My XBox is named Pearl due to the fact that I had been playing Pokemon Pearl when I realised she had not been named. My DS is Roy for unknown reasons.

I got a new camera for Christmas this year. At the same time I noticed that despite the fact that I am a wee bit obsessed with the Discworld and all Pratchett related wonders, I haven't named any of my belongings after and of his characters. It is a toss up betwwwn Mort and Vetinari. Only time will tell. I'll have to get to know his personality better.

I will let you know if there have been any newcomers to the family and their back stories. Believe me, you shall be among the first to know.

Update

So, since I last blogged a lot has changed in life. Again.

I turned 18, became obsessed with reading fan fictions, have become totally comfortable wearing heels, saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows(Pt. 1), have made new friends, have remade old friends, have grown up a bit...

And, in a way have been abandoned. or at least I feel like I have been by one person at least.

It's been months but when anyone talks about relationships you're the one I mention. I still have texts saved from you. I'm always gonna miss you, but I know moving on is the best thing.

The thing is though, I was able to move on even when you were talking to me and even when we would meet up. I was able to keep my feelings under control. I know things are tough for you now, but they were tough in a different way last year, and things are always tough for me. But the only way you can think of getting over me is having nothing to do with me? Dear, we tried that before and apparently it didn't work.

I just want to be your friend and help you through all this. All I would like is for us to be able to talk without returning to the same old pattern...

But clearly you can't.

You're 20 now. It seems like such a far away age. And so much has changed for you since we were close. Our lives have changed in many many ways in such a short space of time.

Yet your head still seems to be stuck at March last year. If you had realized then what you know now then I am positive things would be different. But they can't go back. It's not an issue of being hurt or you having to prove yourself or that I didn't love you.

I loved you more than I thought I would ever love someone. And eventually you got sick of that. You still have a place in my heart despite everything. That place, however, has evolved and developed and moved on.

I would still like for the paths of our lives to meet someway in someday.

It's up to you now though

Green

Today my mood is going from good to bad.

From happy to sad.

From content to mad.

Everything is up, down, side, side, yes, no, maybe, why, when, how, please, please dojn't, why did I do that? Why won't things change for the better? Why won't they get easier? How can they? Will I hurt you? I don't mean to, but if I did? If I didn't? Would that hurt me? how can I even think of this? Why am I thinking of this?

Why am I feeling like this? WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS?

Life Update

I've come to a stage in my life where I've discovered I'm the important one that I have to look out for. There's no point in me stressing and worrying and achieving nothing when all the people around me who I gave up my life for are living theres and completely content with everything.

I need more me time.

So I entered this school year with the plan that, yes, it is an important and stressful year filled with exams and STRESS and work and STRESS and people I would rather not deal with and STRESS and tests and STRESS and let's add some more STRESS in there.

That is basically what I thought 6th year would be like.

And I fully accepted that and I feel that I have been getting a lot out of it and am coping, for the most part, much better than I had last year. I seem to be getting on with people more (quite the feat for me since I constantly feel so socially awkward). I'm on top of my workload for the most part. And, believe it or not, I am even enjoying some aspects.

Things seem calmer and quite okay for me at the moment.

But I'm not happy.

I thought that if I took this year slowly and easily in little bites I'd be able to chill out a bit and not get so stressed. And that's what I've been doing. And mostly I don't get so stressed. I'm doing okay (save for a little stress fit every now and again). I thought my stress was the one thing that I needed to organize to make myself happy and feel fulfilled.

Guess I forgot about the rest of my life...

I thought one plan would work, but it's just added worry. I feel so much older than so many people. I feel like I'm losing old friends and not making new ones. I'm 17 and absolutely dying to turn 18 just for something new. So I'm not stuck in the same old rut when it comes to socializing.

Go to town a little earlier than everyone else. Chill in the green. Meet up with others. Wander around. Lose people. Find people. Put up with certain people. Miss other people. Eat. Walk people to buses. Hang around for a bit. Home.

Every Saturday has just become routine. And I love my friends. I love seeing them all. But there's nothing different. There's nothing exciting or new or interesting. Like my school week, my weekends have become routine. Surely that's the time of the week when you're supposed to relax from the stress of the week and go a little nuts..? It shouldn't be something I cam recite off like a list. Like my school timetable.

Maybe I need new interests. But honestly, I'm only just about on top of everything. If I take up something else I'm afraid I won't have time for other things that are necessary at the moment.

When I'm 18 though... I'm not expecting it to be like some sort of magical cure all that will make my life suddenly fun and exciting and different. But I am expecting to be able to have a few more doors open to me. A few more things for me to be able to do. More options at least.

The only thing I do know I want at the moment is for it to be July. For all this year to be gone and for me to be preparing for the summer and college and a year of new beginnings...

I just need something... Something new that I can hold on to and motivate me. Because I can only keep going like this for so long. At some point, if there's no change, I'm gonna burn out. I can feel myself getting bored with life already...

Double Rainbow

Everything is looking up. Quite a bit.

The sun shines bright,
Blue skies acting as background for
A magnificent double rainbow.