Evolution

I think I've kinda become the type of person I want to be.

It's taken quite a while, and I'm not completely sure, but I'm definitely content with how I am.

I've been watching a lot of tv concerning teenagers lately, especially American stuff, like Glee. And a common theme with so many of these showa is the idea of cliques and social groups. We always see them-the joks, the cheerleaders, the stoners, the geeks, the goths... These ideas are pretty familiar to most people. For the most part we've grown up with them and it's kind of a part of people to look down on the nerds and strive to be the popular kids. It seems, because of tv, that we are constantly being placed in a stereotype and treated in accordance with how society dictates that we should be treated.

At least, that's for the most part. Then you come to someone like me.

I am a self confessed nerd. I do all I can to get good grades and I'm pretty smart. I went to nerd camp and have nerdy enough interests. I'm an 18 year old girl who loves Pokemon, Harry Potter and RPGs. Yet, anyone who knows me also knows how driven I am artistically. I love to sing, dance, act- basically perform. I also love to paint and create works of, I hope, art. I've also been a jock most of my life, obsessed with sports, yet my interests and speech often classify me as 'posh' or 'preppy'. How many people my age own a horse and compete in horseriding events? I have my dark moments, so I could be seen as goth or emo, I love rock music and often go to gigs so I could be a rocker. I'm a tranquil person, so perhaps a hippie. There are so many sides to me, I don't fit into one type.

Yet I've tried them all.

And none of them suited me.

I am not just one thing. There are so many options for me in my life. I'm all of these things, little bits of them all.

In reality though, they all add up to be me.

I Could Build A House From These Writer's Blocks

Recently (in an effort to distract me from studying for the mock examinations I am in the middle of taking at the moment) I have started writing a Harry Potter fan fiction based around his daughter, Lily Luna. (Sorry if that spoiled anything for anyone, but honestly the book has been out for years now. If you haven't read it by now you deserve it to be spoiled for you.)

All in all it's been going pretty well. I will be the first to admit that it's a cheese fest and ridiculously romantic and easy to write, but it has me writing and that's all I care about at the moment.

Or rather, it had me writing.

I'm five chapters in and I sat down today to get started on the sixth.

AND I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

Everytime I tried writin something it was just terrible. I honestly can't think of anything to move the plot forward or how I want to continue with the story.

Mind you, I had a huge five hour exam tooday and have been falling asleep, so that could be a reason for my current state of mine.

Still, here I am. Here I have a moment where I could actually do something and write something. And I just can't. I gotta say, I'm glad I don't work to deadlines.

How do people get rid of writer's block? I've tried a few things like reading other stuff or walking away from it but nothing is really working. I just don't seem to be too happy with what I'm writing anyway. It's not what I normally write. Just something I thought I'd try.

I based some of my characters loosely on my friends, but I will admit that I used some of my own personal atributes and personality traits for the different characters. I think with writing you do have to put a bit of yourself into what you write. You have to personalise it in certain ways to really create something strong that people will be drawn to. That way it means somethingto you and you will work harder at it to create something wonderful that you really, truly care about.

I didn't intentionally put myself into my characters. That's just how I write. It's easier to write about what you know, so why not take advantage of the life that you've led and use it in your writing to create something magical.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6715280/1/Green_Ribbons Follow this link if you want to read the story I'm trying to write.

In other news, I got my Deathly Hallows t shirt today and it's "totally awesome" (AVPM FTW). Mocks are going on and draining me of life and energy.

Wish me luck! x

Expectations

Everyone always says that the run up and excitement to an event is much more fun and exciting than the actual event itself. I think that this depends. It is very true that the run up to things can be great fun, all the planning and talking about it and whatnot. But that is how we make it more exciting. We build it up in our minds. We think of every single possible posibility and it quickly develops into this huge thing, no matter how small it actually is. How many parties have you gone to expecting something great, only to be disappointed by the reality?

Equally though, how many parties have you attended, expected nothing, and had the greatest time of your life?

See that's the thing. We all love spur of the moment stuff and surprises because they can't disappoint us (unless we're the ones planning them of course).

I know some of my best nights have been when I haven't been expecting anything to happen and then everyone is relaxed and all in the same situation and more than happy to just experience the experience.

Perhaps we should be living in the moment more...

I'm saying all this because this has become a year of forward thinking. Everything has been directed towards the CAO in January, the upcoming mocks in February, the practicals in April, the exams in June, the results in August and next year when all of this will just be a horrible memory. All of the teachers keep emphasising the exams and what is yet to come and how important they are and how they will change our lives forever and...

Really they're making it out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is.

Yes, the exams are important. Believe me, I'll be the first person to admit that, but they are not the be all and end all, as people keep telling me. There are other ways to get on in life. Not every person who succeeded in the real world did well at school or tests. All these really are are memory tests.

I've been keeping up. Certain grades are improving. I'm moving steady. And now I'm calm and quite happy about that. I'm not looking to June. I'm looking at this week and what challenges I can tackle this week. What I can achieve this week.

6th year is pretty horrible, but it isn't all bad. For the first time ever I feel even slightly accepted in school, which is a miracle and achievement in itself. I'm getting on a bit better with people and not feeling as panicky or socially awkward, which is always a nice feeling.

Maybe this is the way I should try live my life. Not planning too far ahead. Just taking things as they come.

Ignorance

So they say ignorance is bliss. It has never been truer. In a cyber world we have entire websites where people can pour out their hearts and souls.

Only to be ignored and passed over in favour of one who has more positive, frivilous news.

You don't know how much you could save someone if you just stopped for a moment, left the thoughts aside and looked at what people were writing and way.

And maybe, if you were especially heroic you'd ask how you could help

Even a comment could help save a life

Turns Out

Decided to check out your page, see how you were doing.
Turns out you're doing better than me.

Decided to look at something I really shouldn''t have.
Turns out I'll never be able to forget.

Decided to relive past conversations.
Turns out I'm not as mature as I thought I was.

Decided to look at old texts.
Turns out you're making better progress than me.

Decided to try and block out the hurt.
Turns out it's becoming impossible.

Decided I was wrong.
Turns out I had been all along.

Falling Slowly

Recently a book I'd been longing to read for quite a while arrived in the post. Actually two copies of it arrived. Before Christmas my mom had ordered two hardback, first editions of 'I Shall Wear Midnight' by Terry Pratchett. He is one of our favourite authors who I met at last year's Irish Discworld Convention. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and as such his last book, 'Unseen Academicals', was not, let's say, his best work.

The arrival of the package was both a surprise and a blessing. It was just after Christmas and we were at that stage between Christmas and New Years Eve when nothing much is happening. All I planned on doing was sit at the computer and go on Facebook. But then the postman delivered something wonderful.

The book had been released back in September, but I had promised my mother to wait to buy and read it. She wanted to get it for Christmas and so I said okay. I wasn't expecting too much, to be honest, if his last book was anything to go by. He is a brilliant man with a fantastic mind and his work is amazing. But the last book just didn't seem to gel or move as well as previous ones had. All geniuses are allowed a dud I guess.

'I Shall Wear Mdnight' began as I thought it would judging on the previous work. It was a little slow and difficult to get into. However, as I progressed and delved deeper I rediscovered this brilliant mind that had brought me so much joy and companionship over the years.

I startd reading his books when I was around 8 or 9. I'm 18 now and rereading those words and ideas just hit me the same way as they ever did. When I read his new books, once again I am a little kid discovering new fantastical worlds. Once again I was totally engrossed in the story. I wanted to know what would happen. was scared at all the right bits. I saw what was coming, yet was still shocked when it did. I fell in love with the characters and cried along with them, both at happy times and sad.

Reading this book brought me back. It really hit me. I know I am one who cries a lot. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm tired. I cry when I miss people. I cry when I'm happy. I cry at certain thoughts. I cry at movies. And songs. And books.

All these open up new parts of us. New ways of thinking and seeing the world around us. If we don't break down and cry and release at some point, especially for little things, how ar we going to for the big things or be able to help other people.

How will we be able to help ourselves?

I'm not the best when it comes to my emotions. I try to control them, but sometimes I get lost along the way. But crying is something I am good at. And I thank the wold for every single tear I've ever shed. All they've done is help me in life. And I hope to cry more and more in the future.

Some Quirks..

I think it has been established a long long time ago that I am neither the most normal nor sane person in the universe. I have quite a few odd habits, but a conversation with a good friend inspired me to write about one in particular:

I like to name my electronics after fictional characters.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, slightly odd, and specific, but what started it all? Well my mother used to joke about naming her cars. We have two, both are red so one is Little Red and the other Big Red. The one beforehand was Big Mama.

So I decided to take up the tradition and begin to name my electronic posessions. Since I don't have a car, I just began naming everything.

My phone's name is Severus. It had been having a fling with my iPod touch (Lily) until she fell and now has three large scratches along her screen. Upon falling she also had a sex change and was renamed Bill (as a tribute to the scars her received after fighting Fenrir Greyback). Neddless to say their relationship ceased. HOWEVER when I updated my iPod I had been searching for Harry Potter artwork on deviantart and foolishly typed Severus into iTunes and now that is my iPod's name. It's quite confusing so I just let them get on with things at this stage. Perhaps one can be book Severus and the other A Very Potter Musical Severus.

My laptop is named Codex after the character the AMAZING Felicia Day plays in the Guild. This is mainly due to the fact that I became OBSESSED with the show again before getting the laptop. I also covered her in J!nx stickers. And she is red. It seemed fitting.

My XBox is named Pearl due to the fact that I had been playing Pokemon Pearl when I realised she had not been named. My DS is Roy for unknown reasons.

I got a new camera for Christmas this year. At the same time I noticed that despite the fact that I am a wee bit obsessed with the Discworld and all Pratchett related wonders, I haven't named any of my belongings after and of his characters. It is a toss up betwwwn Mort and Vetinari. Only time will tell. I'll have to get to know his personality better.

I will let you know if there have been any newcomers to the family and their back stories. Believe me, you shall be among the first to know.