Painted Wall Diaries

Why I Feel Cheated By The Irish Education System

2011-08-24T15:22:00.003+01:00

Allow me to give you some background information....

In the last 2 weeks I got the results from the Leaving Cert exams I did and offers for college placement. I also got my heart broken and hopes and dreams dashed due to a technicality.

I have always been a person who works as hard as possible to achieve a goal that many would deem difficult and thus, pointless. However, I am the type of person who relishes when faced with challenges and who seeks them out everyday. I would never be happy with an easy life. So that is what I did when it came to choosing what I wanted to do with my future. I spent the last 2 years working hard towards Trinity College, one of the best colleges in the country.

This challenge I created for myself was difficult as I wanted to succeed, but at the same time I have been known to break down under pressure which was something I did not want to do this time. So I spent the last two years struggling to get my grades up to an acceptable level without going crazy. This included me not being as social as I'd have liked, missing out on things, parties, days out, in favour of studying. I even spent the summer after 5th year studying the subjects which I had been doing the worst in. I missed out on a lot.

I don't want to sound like a martyr, I just want people to understand that I am not just some girl moaning because she didn't get exactly what she wanted.

I ended up getting the best score in my year. I got over 500 points, the exact number for the course in question.

But I didn't get the course.

The reason? I was in the lowest group eligable for the course I wanted and their method of choosing the people for it was basically an electronic version of picking names out of a hat.

I did not get what I had spent 2 years working towards because my name didn't come out of the hat.

It hurt. I'm not looking for people to be saying, "Oh poor you!" It's just the way it is. I am hurt because the system in Ireland told me to work so hard for something and then it turned out that it didn't matter how hard I worked for it, it ended up being up to chance.

It wouldn't have hurt as much if I hadn't gotten the points, but the real sting was the fact that I did. I had met the requirements for the course yet I was still let down and I didn't get what I deserved.

So I'm fighting this. I got a course and accepted it, for the moment. People are saying I should be happy with it, especially since I got a scholarship and student grant, but it's not what I want. I am not going to just take this lying down, I'm looking at all my options. My guidence councellor blamed me, and said I would have to change my way of thinking and appreciate what I got since some students got nothing, but that's not right. I am not those students. I didn't do nothing and waste my time over the last few years. I've been working towards college since I started in CTYI and got a taste of the life.

Another thing is I did not enjoy secondary school. No matter what I did, I was always on the outside. I was always awkward and on the edges of things. Now, everyone I know and love is going to be in the centre of town. Most of them will be in Trinity. I will be literally on the edge. In another county. I know everyone makes new friends in college and everything is different, but right now I feel like I'm going to be stuck on the outside again. I've spent so many years like that, I'm sick of it.

I spent secondary school looking at the goal ahead of me. I did not enjoy my time there and was happy for it to pass me by. I don't want college to be the same story. College is not just a way for me to get a job. College is an experience I want to enjoy. And I'm going to do all I can to make that happen in the way I want it to.

No matter what happens after Round 2 of offers, I will be going into the course and option ahead of me with a positive outlook. But I would feel as if I cheated myself if I didn't do all I can to attempt to change it. The education system already screwed me over, I'm not going to do the same to myself. I'm refusing to fail myself.

Evolution

2011-07-21T20:17:00.002+01:00

I think I've kinda become the type of person I want to be.

It's taken quite a while, and I'm not completely sure, but I'm definitely content with how I am.

I've been watching a lot of tv concerning teenagers lately, especially American stuff, like Glee. And a common theme with so many of these showa is the idea of cliques and social groups. We always see them-the joks, the cheerleaders, the stoners, the geeks, the goths... These ideas are pretty familiar to most people. For the most part we've grown up with them and it's kind of a part of people to look down on the nerds and strive to be the popular kids. It seems, because of tv, that we are constantly being placed in a stereotype and treated in accordance with how society dictates that we should be treated.

At least, that's for the most part. Then you come to someone like me.

I am a self confessed nerd. I do all I can to get good grades and I'm pretty smart. I went to nerd camp and have nerdy enough interests. I'm an 18 year old girl who loves Pokemon, Harry Potter and RPGs. Yet, anyone who knows me also knows how driven I am artistically. I love to sing, dance, act- basically perform. I also love to paint and create works of, I hope, art. I've also been a jock most of my life, obsessed with sports, yet my interests and speech often classify me as 'posh' or 'preppy'. How many people my age own a horse and compete in horseriding events? I have my dark moments, so I could be seen as goth or emo, I love rock music and often go to gigs so I could be a rocker. I'm a tranquil person, so perhaps a hippie. There are so many sides to me, I don't fit into one type.

Yet I've tried them all.

And none of them suited me.

I am not just one thing. There are so many options for me in my life. I'm all of these things, little bits of them all.

In reality though, they all add up to be me.

I Could Build A House From These Writer's Blocks

2011-02-08T20:07:00.002Z

Recently (in an effort to distract me from studying for the mock examinations I am in the middle of taking at the moment) I have started writing a Harry Potter fan fiction based around his daughter, Lily Luna. (Sorry if that spoiled anything for anyone, but honestly the book has been out for years now. If you haven't read it by now you deserve it to be spoiled for you.)

All in all it's been going pretty well. I will be the first to admit that it's a cheese fest and ridiculously romantic and easy to write, but it has me writing and that's all I care about at the moment.

Or rather, it had me writing.

I'm five chapters in and I sat down today to get started on the sixth.

AND I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

Everytime I tried writin something it was just terrible. I honestly can't think of anything to move the plot forward or how I want to continue with the story.

Mind you, I had a huge five hour exam tooday and have been falling asleep, so that could be a reason for my current state of mine.

Still, here I am. Here I have a moment where I could actually do something and write something. And I just can't. I gotta say, I'm glad I don't work to deadlines.

How do people get rid of writer's block? I've tried a few things like reading other stuff or walking away from it but nothing is really working. I just don't seem to be too happy with what I'm writing anyway. It's not what I normally write. Just something I thought I'd try.

I based some of my characters loosely on my friends, but I will admit that I used some of my own personal atributes and personality traits for the different characters. I think with writing you do have to put a bit of yourself into what you write. You have to personalise it in certain ways to really create something strong that people will be drawn to. That way it means somethingto you and you will work harder at it to create something wonderful that you really, truly care about.

I didn't intentionally put myself into my characters. That's just how I write. It's easier to write about what you know, so why not take advantage of the life that you've led and use it in your writing to create something magical.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6715280/1/Green_Ribbons Follow this link if you want to read the story I'm trying to write.

In other news, I got my Deathly Hallows t shirt today and it's "totally awesome" (AVPM FTW). Mocks are going on and draining me of life and energy.

Wish me luck! x

Expectations

2011-01-24T23:23:00.002Z

Everyone always says that the run up and excitement to an event is much more fun and exciting than the actual event itself. I think that this depends. It is very true that the run up to things can be great fun, all the planning and talking about it and whatnot. But that is how we make it more exciting. We build it up in our minds. We think of every single possible posibility and it quickly develops into this huge thing, no matter how small it actually is. How many parties have you gone to expecting something great, only to be disappointed by the reality?

Equally though, how many parties have you attended, expected nothing, and had the greatest time of your life?

See that's the thing. We all love spur of the moment stuff and surprises because they can't disappoint us (unless we're the ones planning them of course).

I know some of my best nights have been when I haven't been expecting anything to happen and then everyone is relaxed and all in the same situation and more than happy to just experience the experience.

Perhaps we should be living in the moment more...

I'm saying all this because this has become a year of forward thinking. Everything has been directed towards the CAO in January, the upcoming mocks in February, the practicals in April, the exams in June, the results in August and next year when all of this will just be a horrible memory. All of the teachers keep emphasising the exams and what is yet to come and how important they are and how they will change our lives forever and...

Really they're making it out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is.

Yes, the exams are important. Believe me, I'll be the first person to admit that, but they are not the be all and end all, as people keep telling me. There are other ways to get on in life. Not every person who succeeded in the real world did well at school or tests. All these really are are memory tests.

I've been keeping up. Certain grades are improving. I'm moving steady. And now I'm calm and quite happy about that. I'm not looking to June. I'm looking at this week and what challenges I can tackle this week. What I can achieve this week.

6th year is pretty horrible, but it isn't all bad. For the first time ever I feel even slightly accepted in school, which is a miracle and achievement in itself. I'm getting on a bit better with people and not feeling as panicky or socially awkward, which is always a nice feeling.

Maybe this is the way I should try live my life. Not planning too far ahead. Just taking things as they come.

Ignorance

2011-01-12T00:03:00.002Z

So they say ignorance is bliss. It has never been truer. In a cyber world we have entire websites where people can pour out their hearts and souls.

Only to be ignored and passed over in favour of one who has more positive, frivilous news.

You don't know how much you could save someone if you just stopped for a moment, left the thoughts aside and looked at what people were writing and way.

And maybe, if you were especially heroic you'd ask how you could help

Even a comment could help save a life

Turns Out

2011-01-04T21:10:00.002Z

Decided to check out your page, see how you were doing.
Turns out you're doing better than me.

Decided to look at something I really shouldn''t have.
Turns out I'll never be able to forget.

Decided to relive past conversations.
Turns out I'm not as mature as I thought I was.

Decided to look at old texts.
Turns out you're making better progress than me.

Decided to try and block out the hurt.
Turns out it's becoming impossible.

Decided I was wrong.
Turns out I had been all along.

Falling Slowly

2011-01-01T22:20:00.002Z

Recently a book I'd been longing to read for quite a while arrived in the post. Actually two copies of it arrived. Before Christmas my mom had ordered two hardback, first editions of 'I Shall Wear Midnight' by Terry Pratchett. He is one of our favourite authors who I met at last year's Irish Discworld Convention. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and as such his last book, 'Unseen Academicals', was not, let's say, his best work.

The arrival of the package was both a surprise and a blessing. It was just after Christmas and we were at that stage between Christmas and New Years Eve when nothing much is happening. All I planned on doing was sit at the computer and go on Facebook. But then the postman delivered something wonderful.

The book had been released back in September, but I had promised my mother to wait to buy and read it. She wanted to get it for Christmas and so I said okay. I wasn't expecting too much, to be honest, if his last book was anything to go by. He is a brilliant man with a fantastic mind and his work is amazing. But the last book just didn't seem to gel or move as well as previous ones had. All geniuses are allowed a dud I guess.

'I Shall Wear Mdnight' began as I thought it would judging on the previous work. It was a little slow and difficult to get into. However, as I progressed and delved deeper I rediscovered this brilliant mind that had brought me so much joy and companionship over the years.

I startd reading his books when I was around 8 or 9. I'm 18 now and rereading those words and ideas just hit me the same way as they ever did. When I read his new books, once again I am a little kid discovering new fantastical worlds. Once again I was totally engrossed in the story. I wanted to know what would happen. was scared at all the right bits. I saw what was coming, yet was still shocked when it did. I fell in love with the characters and cried along with them, both at happy times and sad.

Reading this book brought me back. It really hit me. I know I am one who cries a lot. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm tired. I cry when I miss people. I cry when I'm happy. I cry at certain thoughts. I cry at movies. And songs. And books.

All these open up new parts of us. New ways of thinking and seeing the world around us. If we don't break down and cry and release at some point, especially for little things, how ar we going to for the big things or be able to help other people.

How will we be able to help ourselves?

I'm not the best when it comes to my emotions. I try to control them, but sometimes I get lost along the way. But crying is something I am good at. And I thank the wold for every single tear I've ever shed. All they've done is help me in life. And I hope to cry more and more in the future.

Some Quirks..

2010-12-30T01:10:00.002Z

I think it has been established a long long time ago that I am neither the most normal nor sane person in the universe. I have quite a few odd habits, but a conversation with a good friend inspired me to write about one in particular:

I like to name my electronics after fictional characters.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, slightly odd, and specific, but what started it all? Well my mother used to joke about naming her cars. We have two, both are red so one is Little Red and the other Big Red. The one beforehand was Big Mama.

So I decided to take up the tradition and begin to name my electronic posessions. Since I don't have a car, I just began naming everything.

My phone's name is Severus. It had been having a fling with my iPod touch (Lily) until she fell and now has three large scratches along her screen. Upon falling she also had a sex change and was renamed Bill (as a tribute to the scars her received after fighting Fenrir Greyback). Neddless to say their relationship ceased. HOWEVER when I updated my iPod I had been searching for Harry Potter artwork on deviantart and foolishly typed Severus into iTunes and now that is my iPod's name. It's quite confusing so I just let them get on with things at this stage. Perhaps one can be book Severus and the other A Very Potter Musical Severus.

My laptop is named Codex after the character the AMAZING Felicia Day plays in the Guild. This is mainly due to the fact that I became OBSESSED with the show again before getting the laptop. I also covered her in J!nx stickers. And she is red. It seemed fitting.

My XBox is named Pearl due to the fact that I had been playing Pokemon Pearl when I realised she had not been named. My DS is Roy for unknown reasons.

I got a new camera for Christmas this year. At the same time I noticed that despite the fact that I am a wee bit obsessed with the Discworld and all Pratchett related wonders, I haven't named any of my belongings after and of his characters. It is a toss up betwwwn Mort and Vetinari. Only time will tell. I'll have to get to know his personality better.

I will let you know if there have been any newcomers to the family and their back stories. Believe me, you shall be among the first to know.

Update

2010-12-19T19:54:00.003Z

So, since I last blogged a lot has changed in life. Again.

I turned 18, became obsessed with reading fan fictions, have become totally comfortable wearing heels, saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows(Pt. 1), have made new friends, have remade old friends, have grown up a bit...

And, in a way have been abandoned. or at least I feel like I have been by one person at least.

It's been months but when anyone talks about relationships you're the one I mention. I still have texts saved from you. I'm always gonna miss you, but I know moving on is the best thing.

The thing is though, I was able to move on even when you were talking to me and even when we would meet up. I was able to keep my feelings under control. I know things are tough for you now, but they were tough in a different way last year, and things are always tough for me. But the only way you can think of getting over me is having nothing to do with me? Dear, we tried that before and apparently it didn't work.

I just want to be your friend and help you through all this. All I would like is for us to be able to talk without returning to the same old pattern...

But clearly you can't.

You're 20 now. It seems like such a far away age. And so much has changed for you since we were close. Our lives have changed in many many ways in such a short space of time.

Yet your head still seems to be stuck at March last year. If you had realized then what you know now then I am positive things would be different. But they can't go back. It's not an issue of being hurt or you having to prove yourself or that I didn't love you.

I loved you more than I thought I would ever love someone. And eventually you got sick of that. You still have a place in my heart despite everything. That place, however, has evolved and developed and moved on.

I would still like for the paths of our lives to meet someway in someday.

It's up to you now though

Green

2010-10-19T20:43:00.002+01:00

Today my mood is going from good to bad.

From happy to sad.

From content to mad.

Everything is up, down, side, side, yes, no, maybe, why, when, how, please, please dojn't, why did I do that? Why won't things change for the better? Why won't they get easier? How can they? Will I hurt you? I don't mean to, but if I did? If I didn't? Would that hurt me? how can I even think of this? Why am I thinking of this?

Why am I feeling like this? WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS?

Life Update

2010-10-19T20:21:00.002+01:00

I've come to a stage in my life where I've discovered I'm the important one that I have to look out for. There's no point in me stressing and worrying and achieving nothing when all the people around me who I gave up my life for are living theres and completely content with everything.

I need more me time.

So I entered this school year with the plan that, yes, it is an important and stressful year filled with exams and STRESS and work and STRESS and people I would rather not deal with and STRESS and tests and STRESS and let's add some more STRESS in there.

That is basically what I thought 6th year would be like.

And I fully accepted that and I feel that I have been getting a lot out of it and am coping, for the most part, much better than I had last year. I seem to be getting on with people more (quite the feat for me since I constantly feel so socially awkward). I'm on top of my workload for the most part. And, believe it or not, I am even enjoying some aspects.

Things seem calmer and quite okay for me at the moment.

But I'm not happy.

I thought that if I took this year slowly and easily in little bites I'd be able to chill out a bit and not get so stressed. And that's what I've been doing. And mostly I don't get so stressed. I'm doing okay (save for a little stress fit every now and again). I thought my stress was the one thing that I needed to organize to make myself happy and feel fulfilled.

Guess I forgot about the rest of my life...

I thought one plan would work, but it's just added worry. I feel so much older than so many people. I feel like I'm losing old friends and not making new ones. I'm 17 and absolutely dying to turn 18 just for something new. So I'm not stuck in the same old rut when it comes to socializing.

Go to town a little earlier than everyone else. Chill in the green. Meet up with others. Wander around. Lose people. Find people. Put up with certain people. Miss other people. Eat. Walk people to buses. Hang around for a bit. Home.

Every Saturday has just become routine. And I love my friends. I love seeing them all. But there's nothing different. There's nothing exciting or new or interesting. Like my school week, my weekends have become routine. Surely that's the time of the week when you're supposed to relax from the stress of the week and go a little nuts..? It shouldn't be something I cam recite off like a list. Like my school timetable.

Maybe I need new interests. But honestly, I'm only just about on top of everything. If I take up something else I'm afraid I won't have time for other things that are necessary at the moment.

When I'm 18 though... I'm not expecting it to be like some sort of magical cure all that will make my life suddenly fun and exciting and different. But I am expecting to be able to have a few more doors open to me. A few more things for me to be able to do. More options at least.

The only thing I do know I want at the moment is for it to be July. For all this year to be gone and for me to be preparing for the summer and college and a year of new beginnings...

I just need something... Something new that I can hold on to and motivate me. Because I can only keep going like this for so long. At some point, if there's no change, I'm gonna burn out. I can feel myself getting bored with life already...

Double Rainbow

2010-09-20T20:45:00.002+01:00

Everything is looking up. Quite a bit.

The sun shines bright,
Blue skies acting as background for
A magnificent double rainbow.

Slowly Recovering

2010-07-25T20:44:00.003+01:00

Well, there have been a lot of changes in my life lately.

Again.

The summer just seems to change my life as frequently as the Irish weather changes. My outlook on life, the person that I feel I am becoming-I don't quite know where I am in life. But getting there is slowly becoming easier.

Although there have been shaky situations. There have been moments and situations that have knocked me off this positive road that I seem to be on. One time, last week I felt worse than I have in a very long time. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to move. At one stage I didn't even want to breathe. I got to a point where all I did was lie in the dark and refuse to talk to anyone. Everything set me off in tears. A wrong look. A careless remark. I didn't know what was wrong. And I felt like nobody cared.

That's the worst thing that happens when I get into my depressed state. Despite all the friends and family and support I have all I want to do is hide from them all. I never believe anything they tell me when I'm like this. I can't. I just focus on the black moments. The times when I haven't been able to talk to anyone or when I have lost people I have loved.

And that is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

But then, last week, when I was feeling the most hopeless I have for a long time, a magical thing happened. My friends showed me that, yes, I am loved. And thank you so much guys.

Thank you to the old friend who has been there for me so much and kept texting me to ask what was wrong, even when I stopped replying.

Thank you to the friend who gave me the space I needed and then contacted me the next morning to cheer me up.

Thank you to the friend who went out of her way to call me and make sure I was okay and brought a smile to my face for the first time that day.

Thank you guys so much.

The thing that gets to me, though, and sends me spiralling even deeper is my dependency on people. I absolutely adore my friends. They are amazing people and I love having them in my life. But for a time I felt I was achieving more independence again. I felt like I was able to handle things on my own and being on my own.

One thing I really don't like about myself is this:

I'm not happy on my own. I can't be in my own company without becoming down and depressed and upset. It's one aspect of my character that I really do want to change. Because I am a wonderful person and if everyone else is happy in my company, I should be too.

But then again, I spent a few days chilling at home this week and I've been smiling for most of the day. Certain things still get me down. And maybe they always will. Perhaps there are some things and people that I will never get fully over no matter what my intentions and outlook are. But that's gonna be part of me, I guess. Every decision I have made lately and in my entire life are and I just have to live with that and remind myself constantly that I am still loved and still a wonderful person. It's gonna take a long time, but I realize these things about myself and my life and everything is definitely going to be better from this moment on.

I hope....

Blue Skies, Grey Clouds

2010-06-21T12:12:00.002+01:00

Well it's official. Today marks the first day in five years where I'm not going to CTYI. I woke up at ten this morning, when every year beforehand I had to be up at seven to beat the traffic.

I actually can't believe that I'm not there.

I know I'm so lucky. I have had four amazing years with spectacular people. And I know I shouldn't be complaining that I'm not there this year. My parents have told me from the beginning that I wouldn't be going this year, but oddly enough I had thought...I don't know. That it was a trick? That I would be going as a surprise? I have no idea.

The thing is, even if I were going, it wouldn't be MY CTYI. So many people who I shared the experiences with are gone. I know there would be new people and the small group of old friends that I really love spending time with.. but still.

Last year was fantastic. I was one of the older people and my old friends were still there. The course was one of the best and most interesting and enjoyable I've ever done. It was the ideal way to leave it.

But now because of the Ghost Year I just feel like I'm missing out. I was happy with the people who Ghosted last year because a good few of them I got on well with and I'm kind of happy I was never the oldest oldest person there. Yest I was regarded as one of them.

The RAs last year were amazing too. One of the best groups I've ever been with. I don't think any group will ever beat them (until I am one of course).

I guess what I really want is CTYI 2009 again. I want the same people, the same jokes, the same course... just I want the best experience I've ever had again and again.

The thing is, though, I can still be a part of it. I can crash, I can keep in contact. And everyone knows I'm going to be at the big reunion at the end of it all.

The thing is I know all of this. I know all the facts. And yet I'm still sitting indoors when the sky is bluer than I've ever seen it...

I just miss being a part of it all. I miss the excitement, the people, the traditions, the fun, the laughter, being accepted. That place is one of the only places where I feel happy. I miss the rooms, the quad, the canteen, even the food. I miss the Sportalians, the TAs, the teachers, Colm, Catriona. The smells, the work, the discos, the trips. Santry, Blanch, The Botanic Gardens, Farmleigh... I miss it all.

This summer is going to be a good one. I know it. Everyone kind of does. But when almost all of the people I love are either at CTYI or doing exams what am I supposed to be doing on these glorious days?

My mom says it was CTYI or Oxegen. And I'm kind of glad it's Oxegen. I need to start growing up and leave the security of CTYI. Just please don't forget about me guys. And please remember to keep everything going and treasure the moments..

"Bye Bye Miss American Pie..."

New new outlook (how many's that been this year XD)

2010-06-09T21:22:00.002+01:00

Okay, so I was rereading over texts and this and diary entries and even doodles in copies and I discovered something horrible about myself that I kind of always knew.

My life is way too controlled by other people.

Everything is about me being upset because of the actions of others or something they've said (or didn't say) or me letting myself being treated badly by them. I should know by now that I'm worth more, and yet I still let them control my life to such an insane degree.

It's not fair.

I am a strong person. My confidence had been shot, but I'm slowly regaining it. And I am happy with everything. I think. To some degree.

But old ghosts will continue to haunt me. Old fears continue to paralyse me. And old insecurities crop up and leave me spiralling downwards.

I'm also fed up with how my relationships with people seem to be defining me lately. If I'm not with my friends I don't seem to be happy. And I should be. I should be comfortable and happy in my own company. Not getting down everytime I've five minutes on my own.

And I shouldn't be so worked up with guys. I do not need a man in my life to define me. And I shouldn't be looking back on the past so much. I need to get over some things at some stage. I need to accept when things are over and move on. It's something I need, but at the moment I can't achieve. It's been months and yet even seeing you're online leaves me crying...

Why am I like this? Why am I so dependent and pathetic? I really am sick of the way I am and I need to change. And I plan to.

This summer is going to be one of change. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. And there are some simple steps I need to take;

1. Get organised for next year. Write up notes. Read all the books I need to. Do what the teachers asked me to over summer. And do it ASAP.
2. Get in shape. I'm sick of being all worried and stressed over my body and how I look. So I'm going to get fit and actually happy with how I am and comfortable with my body.
3. Spend time getting to know myself properly and be happy with myself.
4. Change my look. I'm not 100% happy with who I am and how I look, but I'm gonna stop bitching about that and actually change and make it that I'm happy.
5. Concentrate on my friends and family. Granny's in and out of hospital so she needs me. Luke's having trouble with people in school so he needs me. And I love my friends and in adolesence we always need one another.
6. Actually ENJOY my summer. I always worry about the year to come and I never live in the present. I need to live in the present sometimes.
7. Love myself. Because I am worth it. I am worth a whole lot and I am a great person and I finally understand that and believe it.

Do you ever feel that life hates you?

2010-06-07T13:03:00.002+01:00

Well.. let's just say that everything has been a bit strange lately. And annoying. And I don't know how I feel about stuff.

I've been single for the longest that I have in about 3 years. Half the time I'm really happy about this and I really am enjoying myself. I like the me I have rediscovered. Or at least I think I do. I am liking having my own independance again and not having to answer to someone (which always ends up happening to me in relationships). I like the fact that I have my friends and am not wrapped up in being with someone else.

But then I get into those dark moments (which seem to be more and more frequent) where I wish things were different...

And now life seems to be playing an oh so fun game of screwing my life over. If I want to do something there seem to be about a million strings attatched which makes whatever it is astronomically more hassle for me. Which is kind of something I'm against.

I get stressed out too easily about nothing. I'm not even doing my Leaving this year and I spent half of fifth year stressing out about that. My granny's in hospital now and I'm just CONVIINCED it means we're going to have another summer like last year. And I don't want that. At all. I can't lose another member of my family. It would just be too much again.

It sounds horrible and selfish but sometimes I need to concentrate on my own sanity despite what's going on around me...

Heartbreak & Rediscoveries...

2010-04-18T19:10:00.004+01:00

Well I haven't blogged in a long time due to a mix of the destruction of my laptop and my brother's obsession with World of Warcraft.

A lot has changed in my life since I last blogged. A relationship that made me deliriously happy has disintegrated around me (mainly due to faults of my own) resulting in me becomeing even more of an emotional wreck than I was before.

I will be the first to admit that I fall in love too easily. That fads come and go in my life and for a brief period of time I become obsessed with one thing and it becomes the be all and end all of my very being (a prime example of this is Glee and me staying up all night to watch all the episodes). Fads come and go in my life. And this, unfortunately translates to my relationships with people.

I am not one for keeping friends. I find it extremely difficult. A lot of it isto do with the desperation I have ofthen found in life. I am alone so much of my life that once I finally gel with someone I kind of refuse to let go of them and revert to the clingy "let's be BFFLs and do EVERYTHING together!"

Time has taught me that these relationships don't work and I have been working on discovering new people and trying to balance friendships in a group rather than on the harsh one to one basis that I am used to. I feel like I am progressing to some degree and it does make me happier, in a certain way.

From the aspect of guys, however. Well, let's just say thta one of the greatest guys I'll ever know has basically left my life and it is entirely my own fault. Previous relationships have never left me this wrecked. This upset. This...scarred. I really felt that something was there and through my overreactions and my desperation and my want for something more, something that, at this time, could not be delivered the exact way I wanted, I lost it. And this is one thing I feel I will never be forgiven for.

I don't sleep anymore. I barely eat. I feel myself draining away, almost slipping away. People keep telling me I did the right thing and reassuring me that it was all the way it should be, but I must admit I don't feel it.

It has been a beautiful week, glorious in fact. Something that we rarely see in Ireland, save for the two weeks in September when we return to school after three weeks of "summer holiday" rain. But I haven't appreciated it fully. I've been hiding in my room revisiting good times in magical worlds before I realized that there was a difference in boys and girls. I have been trying to keep myself busy. Trying to study until my brain is fried just to forget all of this. The devil makes work of idle hands and perhaps if I am able to forget all this hurt will go away. But it doesn't work. All I know is I've spent the last three weeks crying myself to sleep every night.

Yet I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be brooding. I have friends. There are people who want to see me, want to know me and spend time with me. I have places to go and people to go with to those places. I should be happy that finally I have these things to the degree that I've always wanted. I have people texting ME to talk, rather than always the other way round. I run into people in town and they seem happy to see me. They're happy to stop and talk. I have never really experienced this fully...

And not only is it new people, but old people too! I'm revisiting old relationships that I thought were dead and gone, only to discover that I was actually missed.

I know that nobody probably reads this thing, but to be able to express this feels so good. All of this has been locked in my heart for so long. I know I have made some mistakes when it comes to relationships, but right now. At this moment. When it comes to my friends, at least, I think I'm doing okay.

My New Agenda

2010-02-01T22:59:00.003Z

Okay, this is final. I have decided. I am going to stop. I will stop doing things for other people just to try to get in their good books. To try and get them to like me. To try and hold onto the few friendships that I have. From now on I'm going to try my absolute hardest to do things for me. Because I AM a good person and I AM worth it.

I know this might sound incredibly egotistical, but trust me, this could not be further from the truth. It has taken me so long to realise that I have as much of a right as anybody else to be alive. To be happy to be me. And I should stop apologising for my existance.

How was I ever to know that I am an alright person when I've spent years thinking that I was an excuse for a human being? That I was so ostricised from the society and culture around me. From a young age I realised I thought differently about things and reacted in different ways than the people around me did. I matured in many ways, but I was, have been, and probably always will be inept in many many other basic ways.

But now I realise that that is okay.

For years I've been chasing a rainbow filled with 7 unreachable goals; perfection, worldwide acceptance, complete control, a world away from jealously, hibernation, flawless beauty and complete understanding of everything around me. I now accept that I will never reach these things. I may still try-it's something in me that I'm afraid may never fade, but I can work on them. I can be less focused on them and spend more time being me and being happy with me and what I have and the world around me.

I must stop focusing on the negative when there's so much positive in my life.

I'm a good kid. I'm smart enough and not too hard on the eyes neither. I have a loving family who provide me with whatever they can. I have friends, even if I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to, I'm good at sports and singing and drawing, I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything and who seems to love me for the crazy mess that I am, I'm a writer. An observer. I might always be on the edge of life-not quite involved, but no matter what I will still be most notably there and everyone will know.

Ice Age 4: I'm feckin' freezing!

2010-01-08T21:40:00.004Z

Okay, so I know that I can't be the only one who's getting sick of the snow. And I feel bad about it. At first I frigging loved the snow. On New Years Eve when it started snowing the hour before midnight the family were all out playing in it with the friendly drunks walking up to the pub. I begged my father to let us go outside and 'frolic in the white stuff'.

But now I am absolutely. Positively. Sick. Of. It!

I've been out in it. I've done the snowball fights and the chasing. The shoving snow down each others clothes. The snowmen. The slippery walks. The frozen hands. The chattering teeth. The soaked clothes. The sneezing. The shivering.

Snow comes but once a year. Well this year it doesn't seem to want to leave.

I love it for the entire 'no school' aspect of it. I was dreading going back to that... *shudders* hell hole. Especially to get my Christmas report. But because of the snow we can't go anywhere. My horseriding was cancelled last week and the same will probably happen this week. All my friends seem to be in the most remote parts of the city, so I can't reach them. The buses have become even more unreliable than usual so I can't depend on them to go anywhere. The car's windshield has cracked because of the pressure of the snow, so that's not in use. Plans, such as the panto my family have been planning to go to for six months, one of our Christmas traditions, has had to have been put on hold. And I am completely sick of people throwing snow at my face or down my tops. And having to wear so many layers and looking like a marshmallow.

And why?

Because Ireland is not used to dealing with this situation. Because we are not capable or ready for the new ice age that we seem to be entering into.

I usually love the snow-but not this much of it. Everytime someone leaves a house, or that we hear they're travelling there's worry. Everytime someone steps outside they become an icicle or fall on the ice or-I dunno. We have to conserve water and some places now have no heat. Ireland's weather is normally horrible-how could they not be ready for this?

We're entering a world where hibernation would probably be the best solution.

...So if you want me I'll be curled up in bed in my pjs with a hot water bottle. Wake me up when the snow has melted.

New Study Technique: Don't

2009-12-04T21:05:00.004Z

Okay, so the Christmas exams are coming up soon. Starting on the 15th. My god, this snuck up fast this year. I really can't believe that it's 3 weeks til Christmas. I need to get my act together. Soon!

So I'm pretty mucch dreading the exams. They're going to be extremely horrible this year. I'm not organised. Studying keeps being put off because I'm always too tired to do anything productive that I'll actually remember. Most days I veg out when I come home from school. And not just because of how lazy I am. Oh no no no. I am motivated. I will get through this. But I don't sleep. I hardly eat. I'm not interested in school and struggling to keep up with what we're doing anymore. It's too dull. Too repetitive. Too boring.

The teachers are all telling me different things. Some say I should be studying more. Some say less. Some say try new methods. Others say to stay with what I'm doing. I really have no idea who to listen to.

Then in the classes themselves. I'm distracted. I can't listen properly. I either have a pen and paper in my hand and I'm doodling or I'm trying to catch up on the homework that I hadn't heard about the night before or I'm just so tired after another night of no sleep that I can't concentrate. The other day I was in French class. I was doing everything I could to pay attention. And I just couldn't. I had heard everything the teacher said to me. I had even taken down some notes based on it. But nothing registered with me.

For he first time in my life I am really struggling with school.

And I don't understand why.

Was it TY? Did it really have such a detrimental effect on me? After a year of slacking off have I become a lazy slob who isn't motivated to do anything? Have I become complacent?

I don't think I have. I still have the same goals. I'm just mentally being effected worse. The looming Leaving Cert (even if it IS basically 2 years away) is constantly at the back of my mind, reminding me that my future will be decided for me.

Of course, I know my entire life and future isn't completely based on how I do in a few tests. The LC is bad enough, but then I'll be going through test after test, exam after exam, assignment after assignment in college.

Maybe I'm not as set on college as I thought I was. Maybe I'm not ready.

There are people all around me asking me what I want to do. And I know. I want to write. I want to be shut off from the world for days at a time and just write to my heart's content. Spend my days putting ideas, thoughts, ramblings-everything that pops into my head on paper. I would be so happy to spend my life like that.

But, of course, I can't.

No, life has way too many realities for me that I'm all too aware of. So many good writers never become successful because of their PR (and then there are pure CRAP writers like Stephenie Meyer and her vomit of a series of books) and I don't want to be out there. Despite my apparent confidence and outer shell I just want to shy away from the world. I want a family and a way to keep them happy healthy and safe. I want a career that will never bore me. I want a few close friends. And I want to be financially secure. That's it.

Is that alot?

So obviously I can't just hide away and write. So I guess I'll have to get a proper job.

But what?

All I know, really, is that I want to get a degree in drama and English Lit. That's it. I'll get that then go forward from there, I guess.

I have a good idea of what I want from life. And I'm horribly aware that I'm not experiencing any of it. I know I'm only 17 and I've plenty of time to worry and do whatever I want, but I'm becoming too used to being happy in my comfort zone.

I don't want that.

I don't want a life of worrying and sitting in front of a screen. I don't want to be constantly attatched to a phone. I know I am at the moment and I hate myself for it. If I develop these habits now how am I going to be able to break them when I'm older?

Death's been previlent on my mind alot lately. My dreams are constantly based on humanity's extinction or my own demise. It's disturbing and something that I know I will never be able to fully face. Or accept. I don't want to leave this world and just not be anymore. How could I be here one moment and then the next I'm not? I don't want to think about it.

Everytime I close my eyes I feel myself fading away...

Ha, who'd have thought this had started off as a blog post on how much I hate studying?

Random Mixture of Random Ramblings

2009-10-14T21:35:00.002+01:00

I think that it's safe to say that alot has changed in my life since the last time that I posted anything. Alot of it is for the better. Actually all of it is. I promised myself that I would stop doubting myself, stop regretting things that cannot be changed. And shouldn't be changed. Cause my life would be all suckish if I changed it. I love my life.

Just sometimes it's hard to remember that.

I guess I've just been repressing alot of emotions and worries lately. We're back in the routine of schoolm, and yet I'm still craving summer. The leaves are changing. The most beautiful shades. Everytime I look out the window I see a masterpiece in the making. I wish I had more time to paint...

Fifth year is draining me. Completely and totally. If I'm not busy with homework or study I'm worrying about it all. I hate this so much. I feel like it's some sort of parasytic being just draining me of everything. Like that thing that was on Warehouse 13 last night (I may be swamped, but I still have time for tv).

Well, since I last blogged, one relationship took a new... direction. It's best for us all, I really think so. And I hope that he will eventually forgive me. He says he does-I don't know though.

Okay! Change of mood!

I'm too depressed to be concentrating on the doom and gloom that's been going on in my life. Gotta start thinking about the good things (and there are plenty of those).

Well... The Cavan lads and St. Paul's girls have formed a bond of awesomeness that twill be damned near impossible to break. Hanging in town and meeting/not REALLY meeting cause we ran off, Ozzy Osbourne was epic day to the max. Thanks guys, I love ya'll.

Then there's Dec's 18th pokernight. That was one pretty amazing night (the night of the Moodle reunion coincidently. Great day...). Had lots of fun and met a/some extra awesome guy(s). ;)

I have also become even more obsessed with Japanese pop music/anime. It's kinda sad. And English Lit. raps. And crazy videos on Youtube. I actually just spend my evenings browsing YouTube. Cause I'm sad like that (Y).

MC Lars, Lemon Demon... YES!!! XD

Also web comics. I (L) them with a firely passion now. Still reading my favourites; XKCD, CtrlAltDel, Cyanide and Happiness-but also started reading Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. And writing my own. Which kinda suck, but the effort's there.

The Guild. I've been watching alot of thet... It's good, but I do NOT look like the chick in it. Codex is hotter than me ;)

Chicks who people say I look like, but who I clearly DON'T look like:

Yer wan from Twilight
Emma Watson (Hermonie Granger in Harry Potter)
Amy Adams (The princess in Enchanted)
Hayley Williams (from Paramore)
and now Codex from the Guild

This list will probably grow... It always seems to.

Granddad, I'm missing you lots and you've been on my mind more than ever lately...

My Life in Colours... Today's colour: Red

2009-09-17T23:01:00.004+01:00

Red. This font is for all the anger and frustration I currently feel. Why? Why not? Anger is a fundemental part of our lives, we all have to try to learn to accept it and let it be a part of us. Do not let it take us over, but cherish the moments we live without it, and use the ones where we must endure.

Also my hair is kinda red ^^

Frustration. >.<>

i'm not asking for too much. At least I don't think I am. I just want to have what so many other teenagers already have.

And it seems to be SO EASY for them! I don't understand why! They gossip about each other, they fight, they get on each other's nerves-but they're still there for each other at the end of the day!

I try to be nice. And friendly. And actually INTERESTED in what they have to say or any problems that they might have. I take them on board (which, I've found, most people don't do). It doesn't help. It just means it seems like I'm happy to be walked all over.

Well let me tell you something:

I'M NOT /

A Day in the Life of Me

2009-09-03T21:21:00.002+01:00

Well, we can definitely say that today had its ups and its downs. As anyone who has been reading this knows very well I was back in school at the start of the week. I'm in two minds about all this. Well, to be honest, several;

Mind 1. It's 5th year. TY has completely destroyed my study skills and I am not at all used to doing homework or tests-even worse than normal. Generally, after the summer I feel some small level of relief because of the little amounts of homework, but this year it just seems like such a large amount. It's bizarre!

Mind 2. It's 5th year. That means that the Leaving Cert is next year and I am getting sick and tired of listening to all the teachers going on and on and on and on and on and on (yeah, you get the idea) about how this is "The most important exam you will ever take." Okay, we get it. We've all been thinking the same thing ever since we heard about it.

But honestly, is it?

Yes, getting a place in college or university does have alot to do with getting the required points so you can do the courses that you want to do, but that's only one part of it, really. The interview and your CEO seems to have just as much to do with your placement. Besides, college/uni is only a stepping stone to getting your degree. Surely the final exam you do in college which desides if you are able to get your degree is more important than you Leaving? It makes alot more sense to me.

Everyday is a test. Each one is as important as the last.

Mind 3. There are alot of people who I haven't seen during the summer so it's cool to catch up with all the girls and what they've been up to and all that sort of thing. I don't do that often so I guess it's good.

Mind 4. There are even more people I do not want to see around the place. I don't see why I should spend so much time around people who make me feel uncomfortable.

Mind 5. I've gotten basically all the teachers I wanted and I get to do almost all of the subjects I wanted to do. Which pwns!

But yeah... Back to everything today. That was what I had wanted to talk about.

Well classes were interesting. In many different ways. I don't think I'll ever grow to care Religion class, no matter how the teachers try to teach me. I have too many opinions that aren't really appreciated in a Catholic school.

People are... Gossipy. Bitchy. Back-stabby. Choose whatever word you want, that's how you can describe girls. I miss the summer. There was no drama, no pointless problems that we all create to seem interesting or whatever.

So yeah. Today I have discovered the joy of crying in the rain and not caring.

It looked fine enough out, despite the fact that there were sudden showers all day so I didn't bring my coat or umbrella. I was about 10 minutes away from my house when the heavens opened. It was quite shocking. But oddly calming. I was well and truly drenched. My uniform had changed to black from green. By schoolbag was soaked and so were all mu books. But I felt alone and calm and happy. So I cried. I let go of all the tension and worries that had been in my head and I let them out. I ignored the people giving me odd looks while they scurried home. I took my time. My walk home from school is one of the only times I have to myself when I know there's nothing else I could be doing. It's something I have to do, but in a good way. I can't be studying, I can't be cleaning. I need to walk and I can just let my thoughts wander, relax and listen to my iPod. I had loads of work today. I wasn't going to let the moment pass.

I became incredibly upset for no reason when I arrived home. I guess I was just shocked that I had let so much go. Or something. Maybe I was tired after the hectic week with all the changes going on. Maybe I had been pushing all the things to do with my granddad to the back of my head and I wasn't finished mourning. I know I'm not, but maybe it's more than I thought.

My heads a jumble of French, Irish, maths and about fifty million other things. I guess I'm just trying to sort it all out and gseeing it infront of you really is the best way to do that.

Sorry for the messyness. I promise something more coherient (?) the next time.

Granddad I love you.
Granddad you're gone.
Grandad we miss you.
Don't leave me.
<3

I Have Returned To Hell

2009-08-31T20:57:00.003+01:00

So yes, it's that part of the year again when we all put on the mouldy old uniforms and return to the never ending horror that school brings. It was horrible. I really hate that place.

So there I was, in the car with my dad and brother driving up to the gates when I noticed that there were now two driveways; one to the convent and one to what looks like a carpark sorta thing at the school. It was all covered with mud. Slippery mud. That I found it very difficult to walk on in my ugly new school shoes. (School shoes are always ugly. It's a fact of life.)

So I arrive in at reception and see the notice board that had the 5th year class lists. First good thing to happen-I'm with people I get along with. Bad thing, it's in the home ec room that's always locked and has no lockers in it. When we arrive in the classroom after what seems like an age we wonder where the hell are we supposed to put our books? Then we see what's on the desks. New journals.

Okay, so many of you might not be farmiliar with the 'journal situation' in my school I take this as my oppertunity to enlighten you. We normally have A4 blue journals. They are ugly and fall apart and are very obviously cheap, but we love them. They are very straightforward to use, they're not very heavy and, the best part, we get covers to go over them. Now, these covers are the key to the journal problem. they are loose fitting over the journal (man, it sounds like I'm describing some clothes or something) and you can fit notes and stuff into its sides. But you can also put pictures and drawings into the front of the journals to add your own personality to what is a very boring book. This is the problem. The teachers see this as grafitti (sp?). So now we have these tiny A5 notebooks that are hardback, even uglier than the old ones because they're covered with pictures of the school and they weigh a tonne. It's just so annoying. We've so many books this year, now they've added another brick.

That was one disappointment, but there are more to come my dear friends.

In walks my home ec teacher from last year. Everyone groans. This cannot be our form teacher. She is annoying, doesn't let us talk in form class and wears the most disgusting clothes. It's horrible. She gets us to move into alphabetical order so I'm basically under her nose and taken away from the one spot with a signal in the entire room! I almost died.

We then get our locker keys and are told that our lockers are in the first year corridor on the other side of the school. Why, we don't know-most lockers are in the assigned form classes-but ths year just had to be weird.

Then it's time for timetables. We are told to sit and sort it out in silence. A room filled with girls. As if. But we all got shot a look and she stops talking everytime we start so we soon shut up.
Tomorrow and Thursday look horrible. I've double Irish tomorrow. I like Irish, as a language, but as a subject it's just disgusting. And a double? Even worse.

We're then told to go to class. Without any books. This is the first year we have ever had to go to classes on the first day. Luckily it was a half day so only French, PE, Music and double Art. But still.

Rang Sile, you're not looking promising. Please improve. Please.

I can't wait for the weekend...

Epic Day Filled With Win!

2009-08-29T20:17:00.002+01:00

Okay so today was an AMAZING day =)
It cheered me up so much after everything that's been happening in my life lately. It made me forget about school and shit like that and it felt so good to be surrounded by friends.
I just love the whole atmosphere associated with CTYI in general. Becoming friends the day before and it feeling like you've known them all your life and are closer than any friends you have back home. It's just such an amazing experience and feeling.
But anyway, back to today...
So the weather didn't look too promising but apart from a few sudden showers I think it held up alright. It was so good seeing everyone all together again (although there were some people missing). This year there were less divisions between the session 1 and 2ers due to the fact that some people did both this year. And the new Wolfie-made hoodies were amazing. I cannot believe I forgot I had ordered one. But I did and I got mine so Yuss!
Those crazy chicks who got over excited about Jamie's hair and Grattan's American-ness and us being CTYI nerd was quite terrifying. Really. But it was interesting. And the other afros around the place was pretty cool.
Good on Jamie for collecting so much for the ISPCC. It was a pretty cool idea when Lauren started it and I'm glad it's turning into a kinda tradition.
Invading the models picture with Karla and Maeve was cool. Less cool was the stink bomb being let off in the rock garden. But me and Laura did succeed in getting everyone to go there so I think that's pretty awesome.
I loved today. It was one of the best reunions ever. Thank you so much everyone! I love you all. CTYI...some of the best memories and people ever.

Freaky Stuff

2009-08-28T17:46:00.002+01:00

okay, so I commented in my last blog entry about how it was kinda fitting that CtrlAltDel showed Zeke leaving on the day of my granddaddy's funeral. Well Cyanide and Happiness are in the middle of their Depressing Comic Week (3) and they are now talking all about death and mourning. I'm sorry but if anybody says that that isn't some sort of sign or something then I must be crazy

He's gone...

2009-08-28T17:11:00.001+01:00

Well I guess this is finally it. He's gone. After a hectic summer of running around minding kids and grandparents, sorting out spats between the in-laws and making sure I don't go crazy with depression in the process;he's gone. The funeral was today. I've told so many people about what happened that I don't think saying anything much else would do it justice, but I'll try.
I find it oddly fitting that Zeke is leaving with Embela in CtrlAltDel while this is going on in my life. Like, in some cosmic way the whole world is subconsciously paying tribute to one of the greatest and kindest men I have ever known as he passes from this world to the next.
The most upsetting part, I found, was walking through the village behind the coffin on our way to the remove yesterday-all the family and close friends-and seeing that Brady's had closed and the owners were outside paying tribute to a great friend of theirs.
I wrote a poem. And read it when we were at the cremitorium. The front four rows, I know for sure, were filled with tears and tissues. Sorry for that!

The Man With the Smile

The man in the photographs

Over the tv

Never looked much like the granddad I knew.

My granddad was the man in the garden

Out back tending flowers

Of various hues.

He was the man in the chair

The big green chair

Sitting there reading the news.

He was the bringer of sweets

Rarely taken from their spot

Hidden from everyone's view.

He was the singer of songs

Of Dublin long gone

A Sean nos singer belting out his tune.

After a while he became the man in the bed

We watched him fade

But knew

That he would forever be

The man with the smile.

I did everything I was asked to over the last few weeks and especially the last few days. I wore what I was asked to, I made cup after cup of tea. Washed up, cleaned, hoovered, offered food, read at the funeral. I'm not complaining. It's family. It's what you do when it's needed.

But the amount of gossiping and bitching going on! It's crazy. There was a man dying in the front room upstairs all during the summer and his family spent their time getting at each other with snide remarks and comments. He was someone we all loved and they couldn't put aside their differences just to tend to him and my poor Granny who's left and lost now. They bickered and fought and complained when he didn't die at a convienent time for them. When minding him lost its novelty. When they wanted to return to their lives.

I'm not a saint. I can be as much of a bitch as any of them but I kept my mouth shut as much as I could while I was around family no matter what was being said to me or who it was. And I didn't go around crying, looking for attention. I might be a 'young wan', but sometimes I think I've more sense than the lot of them.

I'm sorry granddad, I didn't mean to moan about the family. It's just... not fair at all. A man like you, who was so good and kind and honest is gone. you were always the one with the quiet word, the gentle smile, the secret treat just because. You were the one who was interested in my accomplishments (when you could hear me telling you about them of course!) whether they were anything to do with sports or not. You were the type of person I wish that everyone could be.

You might have been older and had a bit more of an 'old school' mentallity, but you were great. Everyone who has ever met you knows what type of person you were and feels blessed to have met you.

You know I was never religious. You know I didn't fully believe as you did, but you, my good Sir, were a miricle. We were blessed to have you and I hope you're sharing a cuppa with the big man up there waiting on the rest of us to join you.

I love you Granddad. I'm heartbroken you're gone-we all are. But thank you so much for being here in the first place.

Just getting started really. Maybe this wasn't the greatest idea...

2009-08-25T00:16:00.001+01:00

Hello people of the interweb!
Well, I've joined many different social networking sites. You name it I probably have a profile on it. And the thing is I find it incredibly sad. I mean, I spent 6 hours of my day on the internet with at least four tabs up. And why? Because I needed to check everything. NEEDED to. That's the thing that really got to me. This is what my social life has developed into... It's just kinda crazy...
I have three e-mail addresses. Yes, that's right, three. WHY, I have no idea, but I do. Remember when not everyone had a computer in their house and we all used our parents' work e-mail addresses whenever we wanted to go online? I really miss that.
So yeah, my life has been slowly becoming more and more controlled by my laptop. I'm convinced that this is how the world will end and robots will rule. They'll just send us masses of spam to go through and stuff and then we'll be so engrossed in the screens that we won't realise what's going on and before I know it BAM! we're slaves for life. Or at least until they run out of batteries.
So, yeah. I was told about this and decided to join. I put notches in my bedpost in accordance with how many times my name comes up when I Google it XD
So hi to blogger and I'll talk to you again soon ;]